"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript

<Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?"

<Geordi> "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." 

<Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.> 

<Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is `Microsoft'?" 

<Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate." 

<Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" 

<Data> "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

<Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

<Data> "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected
`upgrade'."

<Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for
their increase."

<Picard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

<Data> "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards." 

<Riker> "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

<Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped
to 0% !"

<Picard> "Data, what does your scanners show?" 

<Data, studying displays> "Appearently the Borg have found the internal
`Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU
capacity."

<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?" 

<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft
Fun-pack'.

<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?" 

<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." 

<Picard> "Identify."

<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo..."

<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
_MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS TO COMPLY." 

<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects." 

<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!" 

<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward
the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space?!"

<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits."

<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!" 

<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." 

<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived." 

<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
often proves fatal."

<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!" 

<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg
doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!"