380 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
- Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
- Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
- Twitch a lot.
- Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
- Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
- Become a subgenius.
- Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
- Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out
of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
- Speak in tongues.
- Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
- Walk and talk backwards.
- Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
- Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
more than meets the eye."
- Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,
"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
- Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
- Collect all your urine in a small jug.
- Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
- Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
- Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
- Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
- Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
- Eat glass.
- Smoke ballpoint pens.
- Smile. All the time.
- Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
- Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
- Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
that s/he reimburse you.
- Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
- Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
- Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
- Dye all your underwear lime green.
- Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
- Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
- Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
- Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
- Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
- Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
- Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
Refuse to discuss them.
- Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
- Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
- Shave one eyebrow.
- Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
- Put horseradish in your shoes.
- Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
- Always flush the toilet three times.
- Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
- Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
- Give him/her an allowance.
- Listen to radio static.
- Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
- Cry a lot.
- Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
- Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave
the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he
walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
- Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
- Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and
giggle to yourself.
- If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
- Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
- Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the
ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . .
use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
- If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
- Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into
the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
- Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
- Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her
- Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
- Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say
that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
- Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
- Follow him/her around on weekends.
- Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
- Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
- Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
- Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
- Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
- Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say
anything, just stare.
- Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
- Let mice loose in his/her room.
- Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your
ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't
trust your ceiling.
- Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
- Skip to the bathroom.
- Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.
- Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
- When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when
- Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can
- Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.
- Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling
above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
- Use a bible as Kleenex.
- Burn incense.
- Eat moths.
- Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce
the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The
next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
- Collect Chia Pets.
- Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
- Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray
three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
- Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
- If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a
hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
- Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
- Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
- Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate
turns around. Drink it.
- Don't ever flush.
- Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
- Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk
by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
- Lick him/her while they are asleep.
- Dress in drag.
- Buy Lays potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the
middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in
the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time
telling him, "No one can eat just one."
- Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
- Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
- Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time
s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a 'please don't walk on the grass'
- Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
- Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See
how long it takes your roommate to notice.
- Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think
your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off
the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
- Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your
- Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department
your roommate was smoking.
- Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and
your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate
the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
- Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your
roommate all night through the springs.
- Wear ammonia as a cologne.
- Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
- Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
- Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations.
Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her
until s/he leaves.
- Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate
not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape
into this world if s/he does.
- Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your
roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
- Wear nothing but tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
- Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell
him/her you know they're all watching you.
- Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your
desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
- Leave Kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests that
your roommate is disgusting and show them.
- Start a new-wave cult. Hold nightly candle-lit rituals in your room
with your followers.
- Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse
your roommate of stealing gum.
- Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout
- Get a friend to leave a message on the phone with your roommate for
you saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells
you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
- Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
- Put no-doze pills in your roommate's drinks.
- Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every
5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your
roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
- Get your roommate's social security number. Call the registrar and
switch all of his/her classes. Tell your roommate at the end of the term
that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is supposed to be
really hard. Wish him/her luck.
- Play Dungeons & Dragons all the time. Tell your roommate to obey you
because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible dragons with a
- Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
- Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
- Learn to play an accordion.
- Make a contract with the Mafia to kill your roommate. This is very
- Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it
and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
- Put Vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate that you were just
trying to "loosen up" the room.
- Tell your roommate on a daily basis that s/he is projecting negative
- Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide
them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen
clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash
- Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say
nothing but quotes for three weeks.
- Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your
roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
- Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them
whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is
being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a
- Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus.
If they call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their
- Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours
a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
- Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services.
If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the
- When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
- Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam
you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her
"Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"
- Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle.
Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you
have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic
soda tastes awful.
- Order five anchovy pizzas for your roommate. When the deliverer
arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza
place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where
- Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip
them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that
night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing
- Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
- Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he
is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
- Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards,
keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
- Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
- Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
- Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her
that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
- Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as
you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
- Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to
face the consequences.
- Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
- "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are
in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
- Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
- Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell
am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed.
If your roommate asks, say you don't know what s/he is talking about.
- Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
- Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
- Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the
same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of
the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
- Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
- Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
- Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take
off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
- Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much
- If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
- Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
- Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
- Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your
room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate
write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time s/he coughs,
excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
- Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
- Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, she's around here somewhere."
- Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
- Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
- Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start
walking backwards again.
- While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
- Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your
roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its
feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
- Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
- Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about
the poor picture quality.
- Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie
down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window
- Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat
it. Explain to your roommate, "He [/She] just didn't belong."
- Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you
feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
- Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate
to bring you food and water.
- Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door
only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
- Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally
- Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
- Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry.
It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
- Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are
calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say,
"I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
- Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
- Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if s/he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side
of the room with concern.
- Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
- When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."
- Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you
can come out now."
- Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "Who the hell do you think you are? A king?"
- Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with
- Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
- Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your
roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
- Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take
off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was
fun while it lasted."
- Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
- Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
- Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you
have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room.
Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
- Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
- Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that
s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
- Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
- Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
- Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If s/he asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to
- Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
- Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and
then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering
stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
- Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of
the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame
- Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
- Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
- Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh,
wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
- Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking
depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow
can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can
box with his/her shadow.
- When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
- Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
- Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a
suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
- Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it
again, immediately change the subject.
- Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on
the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately
put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
- Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
"Damn road runner...."
- Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know
what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
- Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
- Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like
to have a conversation.
- Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
- Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to
the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing
your roommate suspiciously.
- Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act
like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
- Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms
that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
- Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.
- Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonald's, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat,
sit, and pout.
- Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
- Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about
the importance of good manners.
- Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used
to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
- Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in
your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.
- As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be confused.
- Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for
about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator
has been taking steroids.
- Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much
you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate lemonade.
- Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and
- Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about
and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
- Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to be."
- Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going
to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one side of the room.
- Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
- Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
- Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on
them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each
day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving
into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think
the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
- While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage
can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your
roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
- Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
- Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic
training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate
that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it
again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
- Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that
they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your
roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having
bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it,
insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that
those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and
storm out of the room.
- Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to
him/her before s/he goes to class.
- Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far,
and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then,
one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get
up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
- Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read
without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great
the book is.
- Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to
surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off
the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate
comes over to "rescue" you.
- Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every
day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of
ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the
empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
- Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster
in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain
that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests
plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
- Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going
away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If
your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
- Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell
him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
- Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of
water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to
sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed
and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds,
until s/he does so.
- Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and
begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it,
say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
- Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it.
Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you
- Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and
then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them,
"Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can
of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at
- Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then
wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
- Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you
- Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies
for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he
tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
- Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey
them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until
s/he pays the tickets.
- Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate
inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry, little buckaroo. You'll be safe
- Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been
bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
- Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate
Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a
Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
- Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump
into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?"
every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the
glasses, act like you can see fine.
- Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements
with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a
connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your
roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"
- Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your
collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised
and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the
gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
- Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream
hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
- Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your
roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say
that s/he looked like "the enemy."
- Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and
subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and
memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
- Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your
head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window
again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on
- Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you
upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep
saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
- Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add
to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that
- Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit
into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate
inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
- Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like
you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from
God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in
danger or a recipe for really great chili.
- Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the
room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to
their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving
one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your
mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says
anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while
staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
- Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally
gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book
(or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you
highlight passages in the book.
- Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"
- Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as
possible under your roommate's name. Complain that you never get mail.
- Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
- Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that
s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
- Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're
doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly,
come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place.
Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
- Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm
- Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe
it. Name it. Sleep in it.
- Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door,
screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
- Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
- Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at
him/her for not listening to you.
- Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the
night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the
music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
- Start a brothel.
- Constantly slip and fall-on your carpet.
- Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it
mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure s/he
- Invite the Dean to sleep over.
- Invite the school President to sleep over.
- Invite your roommate to sleep over.
- Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
- Walk into walls.
- Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
- Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
- When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare
at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
- When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm
- Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back
and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes
- Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned
- Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about
robots taking over the world.
- Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after
- Wear a silly hat.
- Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find
some dynamite under your bed.
- Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
- Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new
position every night.
- Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that
you're afraid of aliens.
- Eat raw pasta for dinner.
- Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that
you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
- Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
- Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like
you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife.
Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head
- Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an
hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet
another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
- Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are
female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin
and say, "I bought it for the articles."
- Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet
for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute
shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, "Damn
- Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
- Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
- When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five
minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you
don't know what s/he's talking about.
- Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe
with a butcher knife.
- Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten
or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the
floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with
Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
- Whenever you're talking to your roommate, add extra words to your
sentences ("Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?").
When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to
your conversation ("Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday's physics
class?"). If your roommate comments, act as if you don't know what
s/he's talking about.
- Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the
room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar
three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
- Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any
cookbooks or recipes.
- Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no
shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that
you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full
- Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any
light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.
- Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when
all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
- Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
- Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing
- Hide all your roommate's stuff and tell him/her that s/he never
lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
- Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because
your pet dung beetles are hungry.
- Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like
they were yours all along.
- Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
- If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in
and out through the window. Claim doctor's orders.
- Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and
mutter, "They can't suck my brain if they can't find me!"
- Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer
one to your roommate.
- Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench.
Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
- Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
- Groom yourself like a cat.
- Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are
granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
- Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed
out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
- Say everything in Pig Latin.
- Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
- Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
- Funnel Pepsi.
- Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play
them constantly. Say that it's an assignment for your "Popular Music in
the Youth Subculture" class.
- Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a
ball and store it on your roommate's bed.
- Paint a mural depicting Napoleon's defeat at Waterloo on your
roommate's mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
- Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove
LaMarck's theory of spontaneous generation.
- Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he
- Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
- Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
- Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
- Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
- Wear all of your clothes backwards.
- Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
- Name your books. Call them like dogs when it's time to study.
- Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
- Hang all of your posters up backwards.
- Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say,
"Damn, missed them again!" Continue for two weeks.
- Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to
old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions
you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
- Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
- Steal all of your roommate's pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite
him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
- Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act
out Shakespearean tragedies.
- Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open
- Two words: Nudist colony.
- Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
- Tattoo your roommate's name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the
same for you.
- Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
- Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a
sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your
- Wear Underoos.
- Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
- Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it
- Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade.
Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
- Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls.
- Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a
bulge under your jacket.
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