ATTENTION ALL JIHADDI

A few words before the fun begins. I found this post today on alt.barney.
dinosaur.die.die.die. It was so strange I felt I just had to MiSTie it
here. If any of the Jihaddi are reading this, please don't kill me. I
am sympathetic to your cause, and feel that your exposure here can only
sway support away from the evil spongy one.
DEATH TO B*RNEY!

Love, Tick

(Song ends--1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
(Mike, Crow and Tom are standing there wearing barbershop quartet outfits.)

MIKE: Tom, this is not gonna work.
TOM: Mike, trust me. The music of the barbershop quartet will soon be making
     a tremendous comeback.
CROW: Like the seventies?
TOM: Yes--NO! Gypsy, are you ready?
(Gypsy pops up, an enormous bowtie covering her eyes.)
GYPSY: (satanically off-key) Oh...how dry I am...
TOM: How dry I am!
MIKE: How dry I am...
TOM: How dry I am!
CROW: Nobody knows how dry I am. I was sitting in the Hollywood Hawaiian
      hotel, I was staring at my empty coffee cup...
TOM: Crow, you ruined it!
CROW: Aw, c'mon, Tom, we all know Warren Zevon's better! AOOOOOOO!
      Werewolves of London! AOOOOOO! Send lawyers, guns and money, the--
MIKE: Knock it off, Crow. Mickey & Mallory are calling.

(Deep 13)
Dr. F: BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD! Well, my little
       monkeys, it's time for this week's invention exchange. Frank,
       if you would...

(FRANK wheels out a barbecue grill.)

FRANK: Our invention this week was inspired by the book "Juggling for the
       Complete Klutz."
Dr. F: That's right, Frank. Who has the time to think about juggling when
       you've got so many other things to do, people to crush on your
       way up the ladder of success...you need an _impetus_ to juggle.
       That's why we've invented Gasoline Juggling for the Complete Klutz.
       As you can see, Frank is standing in a pool of fresh petrol. Frank,
       make with the jugglin'!
FRANK: Do I have to?
Dr. F: Now, Frank, or it's back to tongue-bath duty for you!
(FRANK takes three flaming balls from the grill and starts juggling,
yelping in pain as he does.)
Dr. F: Now _that's_ skill. Well, Mr. Pink?

(SOL-A toy car is sitting on the console)
CROW: Huh-huh. Fire is cool.
MIKE: Hush, child. Well, sirs, our invention responds to a need in our
      inner cities. Seems every time you hear a car alarm go off, it takes
      forever for the owner to go out and shut the darn thing off.
TOM: Obviously, a more annoying sound is needed in the average car alarm.
     That's why we've invented the Rosie Perez car alarm.
CROW: Now your new Eagle Talon can be protected by the star of such hits as
      "Fearless" and "It Could Happen to You!" Allow us to demonstrate...
(MIKE gives the toy car a good whack.)
ROSIE PEREZ CAR ALARM: HEY! HEY! YOU'RE MESSIN WITH MY &$*#IN CAR! YO, WHO
                       THE &$^% YOU THINK YOU AWE ANYWAY?
MIKE(yelling over the din):They'll leap out of bed to get rid of that!
                           What do you think, sirs?

(Deep 13)
FRANK: You know, Rosie Perez appeared in Untamed Heart, which costarred
       Christian Slater, who costars in Interview with the Vampire with
       Tom Cruise, who costarred in A Few Good Men with...KEVIN BACON!
DR. F: Back, Simba! Well, Mike, your experiment this week is from a loose
       collection of lunatics with a thing against B*rney. It's called
       "Attention All Jihaddi: Important New Breakthrough" and it'll
       make you want to tango. Show 'em what they've won, Frank!

(SOL)
(MIKE is whacking the car with a sledgehammer)
MIKE: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
(Siren goes off)
ALL: AHHH! WE'VE GOT POSTING SIGN!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)

>Newsgroups: alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die

CROW: But how do you _really_ feel?

>Path: msuinfo!netnews.upenn.edu!news.cc.swarthmore.edu!psuvax1!news.pop.psu.edu!news.cac.psu.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!sgiblab!darwin.sura.net!news.Vanderbilt.Edu!ctrvx1.vanderbilt.edu!kressja
>From: kressja@ctrvx1.vanderbilt.edu (John Kress)
>Subject: ATTENTION ALL JIHADDI: Important New Breakthrough

TOM: Hey, aren't these those guys from _True Lies?_
CROW: Jamie Lee Curtis? I hope? I hope?
MIKE: Forget it, Crow.

>Message-ID: <15SEP199421564082@ctrvx1.vanderbilt.edu>
>News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41    
>Sender: news@news.vanderbilt.edu
>Nntp-Posting-Host: ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu
>Organization: The SYMPARANECROMENOI

MIKE: SYMPARANECROMENOIEXPIALIDOCIOUS!

>Date: Fri, 16 Sep 1994 02:56:00 GMT
>Lines: 101

CROW: 101 Lines? That's pretty impressive, even for Sam Kinison...
MIKE: Crow...NO.

>Kressja here. 

ALL: Hi Kressja!

> I am proud to announce a breakthrough which will, I hope,
>have a significant impact on then entire Jihad.

CROW: Yep, them Jihad folks is my kinda folks. (spits)
TOM: No, no, it's _then_ entire Jihad.
CROW: What's the difference?
MIKE: You could think of a joke for one, and the other...

>First, a little background: In the spring of 1993, there occurred what
>appeared to be critical blow to the Jihad, the defection of Lord Tilden
>Owsen to the ranks of B*rney.  

MIKE: It was a dark time for the rebellion...
CROW: You know, I think I'll change my name to Cr*w. How about you, T*m?
TOM: How do you pronounce that?

>Of course, appearances were deceiving, and

MIKE: Well, you appear to be a complete maniac.

>in fact, Lord Owsen was carrying out the most successful and most
>hazardous Jihaddi deep cover infiltration ever.  

CROW: You know, you go that far undercover, you forget who your friends
      are...
TOM: I think the chances of this guy having friends are fairly remote.

>The intelligence he
>gathered has since proved invaluable, and has set the Purple Pedophile
>back greatly.

CROW: You know, I think I need to see a pedophile.
TOM & MIKE: WHAT?!
CROW: My feet have been killing me!
MIKE: Remind me to talk to you after the post, little one...

>Lord Owsen was aware, however, that B*rney would never accept his "conversion"
>so long as he still possessed Barney-Slayer.  The sword is, after all, the
>only weapon know to be capable of destroying B*rney forever.  

TOM: (in John Huston voice) And so the sword was passed to little Bilbo
     Baggins, a humble Hobbit...

>But it was
>also unacceptable to deliever Barney-Slayer over to the Forces of Purple,
>so Lord Owsen had to lose it.  But he lost it 

MIKE: _I'll_ say.

>in a most deliberate way: right
>in the path of the advancing SCABTF lines. 

CROW: The SCABTF lines? What, if you pick at it, they won't heal?
TOM: I get the feeling there's a lot of backstory here we're missing.

>So Barney-Slayer fell into the hands of the SCABTF, who sent it via secret
>currier into my keeping here at S.T.I.M.P.Y.  (S.T.I.M.P.Y., for those of
>you who don't know, is 

MIKE: A show that used to be good until Nickelodeon sank their claws into it?

>the Jihaddi theoretical weapons division here at
>Vanderbilt; our sister organization, R.E.N., works with technological
>application and production of weaponry and support; 

CROW: Oooooh. I've got shivers from all this tech talk.

>I'll spare you the
>full names.)  

ALL: SPARE US!

>While Barney-Slayer was in my keeping, I had the whitecoats

TOM: The whitecoats are coming! The whitecoats are coming!
MIKE: Don't fire til you see the whites of their eyes!
CROW: Wouldn't they be way too close?

>at S.T.I.M.P.Y. run every test that think of or imagine on it. 

MIKE: We watch every movie think of. Stop using pronouns adverbs.
CROW: Kreegah! Kreegah burdolo!

> Mostly,
>the results were baffling, but much of it was very intriguing at the same
>time.  

TOM: Much like this post--except for the "intriguing" part...

>Barney-Slayer appears to be fashioned out of a metal unknown anywhere else
>in this dimension; 

CROW: Tupperware?

>certainly, it's both stronger and lighter than anything
>we know about, and by an immense margin; 

MIKE: Immense margin? I love Gene Hackman...
TOM: Mike, that's _Narrow_ Margin.

>for all we know, this metal may 
>well be unique to Barney-Slayer.  We christened it "Owsenite."

CROW: And _we_ weren't invited? That little rat's not getting any gifts from
      _me!_
MIKE: Oh, for once, can't we have a nice Christmas?

>Since then, my people here at S.T.I.M.P.Y. have been breaking their backs

TOM: Now _there's_ an idea.

>in attempts to create a synthetic version of Owsenite, or at least an alloy
>based on what we learned from studying Barney-Slayer.  Last week, they
>succeeded.  

TOM & CROW: EUREKA!
MIKE: What are you talking about? I changed my clothes this morning!
TOM: Never mind.

>While all attempts to actually syntheize Owsenite proved abortive, we have
>come up with the next best thing.  Ladies and gentlemen of the Jihad, I 
>give you a metallurgical miracle:  JIHADIUM

CROW: Superman, look out! It's Green Jihadium!
TOM: My powers...weakening...

>Jihadium is 30 times tougher than the most durable polymer-alloy compounds
>known to the most advanced Jihaddi science.  It is, I wager, the most 
>indestructable thing on the planet, short of Owsenite.  Plus, as an 
>added bonus, the stuff shrivels Sponge-Minions like there's no tomorrow.  

TOM: "Sponge-minions?" What are those?
MIKE: Brothers in law, I believe.

>Is seems that we have in part succeed in duplicating some of the properties
>of Owsenite in this regard to: the stuff reacts to B*rney and B*rney-influence
>like silver to a werewolf or holy water to a vampire.  

CROW: Hey, how much influence does this B*rney thing really have?

>The mere touch of
>Jihaddium by a Sponge-Minion (or TO as Sponge-Minion...heh heh heh) 

CROW: Hey Tom, care to share an evil chuckle?
TOM: Don't mind if I do.
CROW & TOM: Heh heh heh!

>causes
>severe pain and extreme weakness.  

MIKE: Sort of like this post.

>It hurts.  A lot. 

CROW: I've been trying to get rid of this rash...

> I can't wait to see

TOM: Interview With the Vampire. Just to see Tom Cruise in that role...

>what it'll do to B*rney himself.

CROW: Mike, do these guys know that B*rney is just a guy in a rubber suit?
MIKE: Don't shatter the illusion, Crow.

>I wish I could tell you that Jihaddium is easily producible in mass quantities,
>but unfortunately, the opposite is true.

MIKE: I _don't_ wish I could tell you.

>  It will have to remain a fairly
>rare thing,

TOM: Like coherent posts?

> but research continues.  I have, however, taken the liberty of
>producing a few things; each JAO should receive within the next few hours:

MIKE: Now _that's_ service.
CROW: JAAAAAA-O! JAAAAAAA-O! Daylight come and me want go home!

>10000 9mm Glazer rounds (glass bullets with jihadium shrapnel inside; fragment
>                        on impact; causes massive damage to sponges)

TOM: Can't we all just get along?

>10 jihadium collars    (for the torment/interrogation/deprogramming of S-Ms)

CROW: S & M? All RIGHT! Jihadium sex toys!
MIKE: Stop. Right. There.

>1 plaque of pure jihadium with the Threefold Truth engraved upon it (useful
>                        for the swearing of sacred Jihaddi oaths; no sponge
>                        could touch one and be undetected)

TOM: You know, I don't remember Captain Kangaroo ever provoking this type
     of response.
MIKE: Well, that's because B*rney doesn't do that thing with the ping pong
      balls.
(Millions of ping pong balls rain down on Mike.)
CROW: Wow. There were _more_ of those left over from _City Limits?_

>In addition, some things for certain individual Jihaddi:

CROW: For Monica, this new whip and leather mask--
MIKE: Crow!

>For Doctor Syvinski, a pure jihadium PEZ dispenser, fully functional, with 
>the head of Grimace on it, to keep in his office at the Jihad College of 
>Philosophy.

MIKE: Bring me the head of Grimace!
TOM: Sort of brings me back. Remember when Mayor McCheese got picked up for
     smoking crack?
CROW: Or the time they sent the Hamburglar to the gas chamber?

>For St. Windigo, our own Feral one, a brand new set of Big Ass Claws(tm) made
>out of pure jihadium.

CROW: Ohhh no. Even I'm not gonna go there.
MIKE: Thank you.

>For Trooper Anhur, newly named Sparticus, a new chain for Sponge-Slayer, 
>made of pure jihadium, and blessed in the name of the High Prophet(pbuh) by 
>me and by Grimace in his own name.  

MIKE: I am Sparticus!
CROW: _I_ am Sparticus!
TOM: _I_ am Sparticus!

>For Arsenal, the Lone Warrior, a jihadium-reinforced exoskeleton, which is
>modular enough to be adaptable to all his various weapon needs, even out
>in the dark wildernesses of B*rney country.

TOM (in Jacques Cousteau voice): We are looking for ze great purple dinosaur...
MIKE: Come to where the flavor is...come to B*rney country.

>And lastly, for myself, a 4' long roofing-nail, which I have named "Rusty Nail,"
>and which I will hammer through B*rney's big, fat, bloated, evil, loveless, 
>perverted, purple heart the first chance I get.

CROW: Now there's an image that'll stay with me.

>'til then, have fun with the new jihadium toys...

MIKE: This thing's crap! It broke!
CROW: This one needs batteries!

>JIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL: IT IS BALLOOOOOOOOOOON!

>St. Kressja the Undeceived
>Second Member of the Jihad.  Keeper of the Faith.  Speaker for the Ecclesia.
>Wielder of "Rusty Nail"      Executive Director: R.E.N. and S.T.I.M.P.Y.
>Executive Director:  Owsen Strategic Hour Intercept Taskforce (O.S.H.I.T.)
>------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TOM: Now _there's_ a resume.

>"And besides, it's damn fun unleashing pain and suffering in unrelenting
>terror on the sponges."  -St. Windigo the Feral

CROW: Finally, something to put on my Christmas cards...

(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
(CROW and TOM are stalking around with a bunch of toy guns, snarling.)
MIKE: Sorry about this, folks. Ever since that post, the bots have been
      crazed with the lust to kill.
CROW: "I love you, you love me?" I DON'T THINK SO!
TOM: C'mon, Mike, let's get this ship in gear! Somewhere down there lurks
     the great purple beast!
MIKE: Hold on, we've got something on the Hexfield Viewscreen!

(Viewscreen opens--B*rney is standing there.)
MIKE: Why, it's B*rney himself! Hi, you lovable ol' dinosaur, you!
B*RNEY: Can it, candy ass! I've been monitoring your post and I'm here
        to tell you--back off! Otherwise your ass is grass and I'm a
        lawnmower.
MIKE: Gee, you don't seem like a children's entertainer.
B*RNEY: Bite me, freak! And you bots--go ahead, make a move! I dare ya!
CROW: DEATH TO THE PURPLE ONE!
TOM: DEATH TO THE SPONGE-MINIONS!
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

(Deep 13--everything is on fire)
Dr. F:Er...very amusing, Mike, but we've got our own problems right now.
      Frank, how's it coming?
(Frank enters carrying some marshmallows on a stick.)
FRANK: These are all set. I'm getting the weenies ready!
(Dr. F smacks Frank in the back of the head, sending him slamming into the
 button. The picture goes out.)
Dr. F: This one's burnt!
******************************************************************************
All MST3K characters copyright @ Best Brains Inc. All B*rney material
copyright "St. Kressja the Undeceived." Death to all sponge-minions.

Tick - pmilan@FSCVAX.FSC.MASS.EDU

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