Inner Visions
< Author's Note: >
< Yes, I am aware that Joel is no longer aboard the SOL. >
< But I can write more in the character of Joel than Mike, so >
< just pretend that this happened a while ago and live with it. >
< The post was found in the listed group and is probably >
< still around on some systems. I edited it a bit so that we >
< don't have a full 272 lines; none of the wording was altered, >
< some of it was merely discarded. >
< Anyhow, it is my first MiSTing and I'd really appreciate >
< any comments or constructive criticism. Thanks in advance. >
< - Adam Riggs (ariggs@uop.edu) >
==========
< SOL Bridge, Joel, Crow, and Tom are present as usual >
CROW: Say, Tom...?
SERVO: Yes, Comrade Crow?
CROW: I was just wondering about something. When you accelerate
suddenly, you tilt backwards, don't you?
SERVO: Of course.
JOEL: <worried> Uh, Crow, do you *really* want to ask this
question?
VOICE: Commercial Sign in 15 seconds.
CROW: Yeah! I'm curious about this. Tom, since you have a
hoverskirt, wouldn't tilting backwards accelerate you in
the wrong direction?
SERVO: Ah! A good question, Crow! The answer is really based on
the complex low-level interactions of wind currents and
the fabric of space-time. You see, the universe sees wind
as a string of ones and zeroes...
< Commercial Sign begins flashing >
JOEL: <rolls his eyes for Cambot> And he's off! We'll be
right back. <TAP>
< Commercials that we think we'll really like >
SERVO: So it's all really extrapolations of the interaction of
the Coriolis effect and Special Relativity.
CROW: Forget I asked.
< The Mads light begins flashing an angry purple >
JOEL: Now the Mads are calling! <TAP> Sirs?
< In Deep 13, Forrester is standing in front of the techtronic
panel. Frank sits behind the panel, tapping keys restlessly. >
DR. F: Ah, hello, Joel! Having a bad day, I trust?
FRANK: It's still hasn't done anything, Steve.
DR. F: Well, just keep waiting, Frank. Ah... Joel... I must say
that I have really outdone myself with this invention
exchange! <chuckles> You may not believe this, but I've
actually developed my own operating system for PC's.
< SOL Bridge, close shot of Joel looking surprised >
JOEL: C'mon, sirs! No joking around. I know you wouldn't really
create something *useful*... would you?
< Deep 13 >
DR. F: What? Who said anything about useful?
FRANK: Hey! Now it says it's "spooling"!
DR. F: Joel, this new system is not useful in the slightest! In
fact, it is designed to slow computers down... I took my
inspiration from my good friend Bill. I'm calling it
"Windoze" and it is designed to install itself auto-
matically so that it can't be removed by any normal human.
It looks almost identical to the product we all know and
love; I doubt anyone will even realize that their computer
is slowing down unnecessarily! What's your response to
that one, Joel-ronimo?
< SOL Bridge, with Joel, Crow, and Tom present >
JOEL: It's...
CROW: EVIL!
SERVO: IMMORAL!
JOEL: ...going to work, I'm afraid. <snapping out of it> Well,
sirs, my invention is based on the old pasttime of spin-
art. I was thinking of the times back on Earth when I
would create works of abstract art with only minimal
effort.
SERVO: But spin-art is so limited a medium! The artist doesn't
have any real control over the picture; you can't create
masterpieces to express profound depths of human emotion.
CROW: Yeah. Let's face it: most spin-art looks like a schizo-
phrenic's unsuccessful attempt to paint a bullseye.
JOEL: So I created a way to make spin-art fun and non-permanent:
< Joel hauls out a little turntable with white toast taped on >
Spin-Art Toast! Now you can create spin-art and eat it!
SERVO: Instead of paints, we've used all-natural, lightly sweet-
ened jams and jellies!
< Joel activates the device and the toast begins spinning >
CROW: Hey, Joel, slop a little of that Boisenberry Black on
there for me!
JOEL: Sure thing! <SPLOP>
SERVO: Yeah, and add some Raspberry Red around the edges... not
too much, though, it's high in calories!
JOEL: <Squinting and trying to look artistic> Okay. <SPLORP>
< Gypsy leans in, briefly, from the left edge of frame >
GYPSY: Richard Basehart Blue!
JOEL: Okay, girl. <SPLAP>
< Joel detaches the multi-colored toast and holds it up to the
camera; the swirls ooze downwards a bit, dripping onto the
desk. >
JOEL: Whaddaya think, sirs?
< Deep 13 >
DR. F: I think I'm going to stop shipping jellies up there,
that's what. Spin-art *toast*! Bah! < looks wicked, as he
is wont to do > Though I must say that what I'm sending
you isn't quite as sweet as your cute invention. It's a
little post about somebody's transcedental experience with
her beloved dead father on the Enterprise... well, I
didn't really read all the way through it, but it looks
excrutiatingly painful. Send 'em the post, Frank!
FRANK: It's still working on it. But the little thermometer's
*almost* full...
< SOL Bridge, the three of them stand about looking tense. But
nothing happens. They begin to relax. Nothing continues to
happen. >
CROW: Joel, don't you think people would notice if their
systems slowed down so much?
< Lights flash, buzzers sound, and you can hear a computer beep >
JOEL: AAAAAA! We have Posting Sign!
< Pandemonium ...<>...6...5...4...3...2...1... >
> Newsgroups: alt.abuse.transcendence
SERVO: The heck? People who abuse transcendence?
> From: tad@netcom.com (Half Moon)
JOEL: <matronly> Ooh, just give me a tad of that post.
SERVO: "Tad"? "Half Moon"? Welcome to Androgynous Posts, Inc!
> Subject: inner visions
> Organization: Only Nothingness
> Date: Thu, 11 Aug 1994 07:34:08 GMT
> Lines: 272
JOEL: Guys, I think we're in for a long one.
CROW: Crud.
>
> Metaphysics, some magick below. Be safe!
CROW: Be safe! Always use a condom on your magic wand!
JOEL: HEY! Watch it, Crow!
CROW: <mutters> What? It's good advice...
>
> Some of you may remember that
SERVO: <singing> ...kind of September...
> I recently posted about a
> decision to loosen the empathic/telepathic
JOEL: Whichever one of those was the Buzzword-of-the-Day.
> connection between
> Beloved and I.
SERVO: *myself*
CROW: Odd nickname, isn't it? So is that a guy's name?
> He
JOEL: Well, there you go, Crow. "Beloved" is apparently a male name.
> needed the energy for himself as opposed to
> sending so much out to me right now.
SERVO: <advert voice> Han-Fu's Takeout Energy Restaurant!
JOEL: Why is it always the men who are blamed for hogging the energy?
> We were both sending so
> much out to each other that most of it was not getting through so
> that it could do what it was supposed to do.
CROW: <Gregory Peck> This is Houston. We've got a garbled signal.
Could you please repeat that statement?
> Even so, enough was
> getting through so that we each knew the other was there.
CROW: <still Peck> Houston to "Half Moon"... We're still apparently
receiving a garbled signal. Could you please diagram the
sentence?
SERVO: <sigh> Not a viable antecedant in sight...
> On top
JOEL: Of Old Smokey?
> of it, I also needed to release a lot of the penned up pain I've
SERVO: I've heard that pain doesn't do well in captivity.
CROW: Yeah, it stunts their growth.
> felt since his departure.
JOEL: Verrifast Airlines, Flight One, now departing!
> I could not do so as long as I was
> putting energy towards keeping up a facade as well as sending so
> much to him.
SERVO: She should really try one of those modern low-wattage facades.
> The best course of action for both of us was to
> each
CROW: ...together and with duplicity...
> let go a little bit, but not completely.
JOEL: I wouldn't say she's *indecisive* or anything...
> I hoped that by
> doing so, the energy exchange would become more efficient and
> that both of us could do other things with that which had
> previously been wasted.
SERVO: But when I told this to Beloved, he laughed openly.
> I was more correct than I'd ever
> dreamed.
JOEL: <patronizing> Of course you were, dear.
>
> An ASARian friend saw my post and suggested some
CROW: Amalgamated Society of Annoying Repliers?
SERVO: Acronym Stimulated Amplification of Radiation?
CROW: Artichoke Sisters Acquire Radar?
JOEL: All these things and *more*!
> relaxation/meditation techniques while on IRC one evening. I
SERVO: Who knows how people managed to meditate before IRC was
invented!
JOEL: This post really irks me.
> followed each step as it showed up on my screen. In essence, she
JOEL: Women sense the purity of my essence!
> instructed me to take a few cleansing breaths and allow my
> muscles to relax bit by bit. When they were relaxed, she
> instructed me to find and focus on my inner energy.
CROW: Because I am *extremely* gullible...
> I did this
> and located a yellow, glowing spherical object not far below my
> sternum.
SERVO: But the doctor removed it yesterday, leaving only a small
surgery scar.
JOEL: <Arnie> Dis will locate the bug and remove it. Insert it
in your right nostril...
> The next line told me what color it was, but I already
> knew because I'd found it.:)
CROW: I don't know. I decided to collect Red, myself.
> She told me to feel it--really
> reach in and FEEL the energy.
SERVO: <overly perky> That's it! FEEL the burn! And one and two...
JOEL: Is it just me, or is this sounding like that Kali ceremony
in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? What with the
reaching into people and... never mind.
> Once that was done, I should
> repeat to myself that the universal plan, (whatever it is), will
> be ok, or words to that effect.
CROW: Oh yeah, the meditation is *really* effective if you can't
even understand the dang buzzwords! Sheesh!
JOEL: Calm down, Crow. It's okay. Just repeat to yourself "It's
just a stupid post, I should really just relax!"
> Unfortunately, something
> interrupted us and I had to come back to the here and now.
> However, in the brief time I was entranced, I felt really good.
> It is that feeling that continued to draw me back several times
> that night. With each attempt, no matter how brief, I went
> deeper into the trance and came out feeling a bit more liberated.
>
SERVO: I kept telling myself that I wasn't addicted; I could quit
anytime I wanted to! Really!
> As I often do, I watched the sun rise from a window in my
> study. I was more than a little tired, so I decided to go to
> bed. I sat on top of the bed clothes, smoking one last cigarette
SERVO: AND I'M NOT ADDICTED TO THOSE EITHER! JUST SHUT UP! ALL OF
YOU! STOP LAUGHING!
JOEL: Hey, calm down, Tom. You okay?
SERVO: Yeah... I just got a bit involved, there. Sorry about that.
CROW: Hey, that's a normal, legal cigarette, right?
> before going to sleep, when I decided to try
CROW: Inserting a second verb into the sentence to see if anyone
would notice.
> meditating again. I
> took the cleansing breaths
JOEL: <advert voice> New NapCo Cleansing Breaths(tm)!
With 10% more Less(tm)! Available at all quality supermarkets!
> and almost immediately found my inner
> energy sphere. This time, I just let my mind wander where ever
> it chose.
SERVO: This way lies madness!
CROW: Joel, might she find it easy to imagine these things given
the fact that it's about 5AM and she forgot to go to sleep?
JOEL: <broadly sarcastic> No! Of course these are highly symbolic
visions that represent her religious epiphany! How could
you question such a thing, Crow?
> I saw a pair of hands reach inside of my body and
ALL: Ewwwww!
> grasp the sphere--caressing it and holding it lightly.
JOEL: Whoa! We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here!
> I
> concentrated on various views of the sphere in those hands.
> There was a wide shot, a close up and, finally, my inner lens
> peered into the sphere itself.
CROW: Currently, I meditate, but I really want to direct!
> Inside I found myself in an area
> that looked something like a cargo bay on the Enterprise.
SERVO: Augh! It's a Star Trek fanfic as well? What next!
> But
> even there, I could see the hands around my inner sphere.
JOEL: Manos II: The Hands of the Inner Sphere!
BOTS: NOOOOOO!!!
> The
> cargo bay doors opened and I saw nothing but bright white space.
> It was as though I was standing in the cargo bay with the ship in
> the middle of a huge cloud.
JOEL: Wait a minute... a cloud in space?
SERVO: There are no clouds in a vaccuum!
> It was beautiful.
CROW: <mutters> Definitely *illegal* cigarettes...
> After a while, a
> face appeared in the cloud. It looked at me and smiled, but made
> funny faces that caused me to laugh out loud. I felt so warm and
> safe there, but all the time, I still held my inner sphere with
> the internal hands.
JOEL: After all, holding it with her external hands would be rather
disgusting, wouldn't it?
>
> After some amount of time, in one of the various long shots,
> I noticed Beloved standing to my right and slightly behind me.
CROW: Ack! When did you arrive? You didn't see anything, did you?
> He did not say anything, but looked out into the white with me.
> He never even looked at me. He was just there. He stepped to
> the edge of the cargo deck and sailed off into the white, flying.
SERVO: He just went sailin' right out there! Just sailin' right out
there...
> He beckoned to me to join him and I did. He flew just ahead of
> me, not looking back.
JOEL: I think she's borrowing from the story of Arthur and Fenchurch.
>
> We flew back to the cargo deck, encased in each other's
> presence.
CROW: Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!
> All evening, I'd been afraid to throw any tarot cards
> for some reason.
JOEL: Whoa! Where did this come from? Did I miss a paragraph guys?
CROW: No, it's just incoherent.
SERVO: <matronly> Now don't you throw those cards around, young lady!
You'll poke your eye out!
> He suggested that I could do so if I had the
> desire.
JOEL: I always get Beloved's permission before I do anything.
> In this plane, (I do believe I'd reached another one in
> my meditative state),
CROW: Yeah, whatever.
JOEL: The Plane of Delusion, just below the Fifth Plane of Insanity!
> I reached into my purse and got the cards.
> In the other plane, Beloved and I joked around some more while he
SERVO: Wait a minute! Which plane? The delusion or reality? Now *I*
am getting confused!
JOEL: Well that's what she's trying to do in this whole post, Tom;
she tries to hide the fact that she had a weird drug
experience with some mystical mumbo jumbo. Don't worry about
it.
> continued to reassure me. I was sitting on something or another
> and using a packing crate as a table.
CROW: Must be reality, Tom. Her dream would be better furnished.
> He started off sitting in
> front of me, but became restless and began flying around my head
> as I shuffled the cards. He did flips and loops, causing me to
SERVO: <WotLW voice> Hey! Whatcho doin'? Git your honky ass back
down on t' floor!
> laugh so much that I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing,
> though he kept telling me to think about my inner sphere. Well,
> I finished shuffling in this plane
JOEL: A Boeing 747
SERVO: Hey! I'm confused enough already!
> and threw the cards. They
> were, to put it mildly, HORRIBLE! There was disaster and
> malevolence everywhere.
CROW: It was just like being in New York!
> The cards said that my feelings were the
> exact opposite of what they were.
JOEL: So obviously, I was wrong about my feelings.
> Nothing was the way it should
> have been. I took those cards up and tried again, but
CROW: If at first you don't succeed...
SERVO: That right, folks! Tarot cards are more accurate if you deal
them *several* times and simply choose the result that you
like! Feel free to stack the deck as well!
> concentrated a little more. The cards were better, but still not
> what they should have been under the circumstances. I was
> perplexed.
SERVO: I was perplexed and puzzled by these plucky playing cards.
JOEL: I couldn't figure it out... Could it be that these lumps of
cardboard were incapable of determining and evaluating human
emotions?
>
> Something told me to pull out of the meditative state
CROW: Try "medicated".
> completely before shuffling and throwing again. I did this
> rather abruptly, but I was, by now, more than a bit anxious.
> When I threw the cards again, they were as they should have been.
JOEL: Third time's the charm!
> They were consistent with every other reading I'd done for over a
> week.
SERVO: Well... except for the two other ones just now. And that one
on Wednesday... oh, and the three that I did on Monday...
> The only real difference is that there was more
> indications of love showing, assuming I remember correctly, which
> I believe I do.
CROW: Are you *sure* about that?
>
> I believe that, for me, it is pretty near impossible to
JOEL: Construct meaningful and coherent postings.
> concentrate enough during that type of meditative state,
> (remember, he was distracting me a great deal), to provide an
> accurate reading of the tarot cards.
SERVO: <snickering> Oh, right. You were getting *accurate* Tarot
readings. Sure. <pauses> Uh-oh. We gotta roll, guys!
CROW: Just when it was getting really laughable...
< They exit the theatre. >
< Commercials featuring a guy with a unique lisp and annoying hat >
< SOL Bridge, Joel, Crow, and Tom are hanging about, enjoying a
short reprieve. >
SERVO: ...and then she starts throwing around phrases like "accurate
reading of the tarot cards"! Ha! Can you believe it?
JOEL: Hey, Servo, lighten up on the Tarot stuff. I've got a deck
you know...
CROW: Really? You, Joel, own a Tarot deck?
JOEL: Well, kind of...
CROW: Wow. I didn't think you had it in you...
JOEL: C'mon, I don't really believe that stuff but it's kinda fun.
SERVO: Hey, could you give us a demonstration?
CROW: Yeah!
JOEL: Okay, you kooks. Just a second...
< Joel wanders off and we hear rummaging noises. He returns holding
a rather scruffy box of Tarot cards. >
JOEL: Okay, I don't remember too much, but I'll give it a try for
you. <shuffle-shuffle> Okay, Tom, cut the deck with your
lef... Never mind. <turns around to Crow> Crow, cut the deck
with your left hand, please.
SERVO: Augh! Dammit, Joel, why can't you give me *useful* appendages?
JOEL: C'mon, Tom, you know I ran out of forks after I built Crow!
CROW: Tough break, Tommy-Boy. <cuts deck> There.
< Joel proceeds to deal out the Tarot cards in front of Crow, behind
him, with him, etc. >
CROW: So, these little pictures have some sort of significance?
JOEL: Yeah... ummm... Let's see, the Fool appears in your past...
SERVO: Wait a minute. What are these little plates this guy has?
JOEL: Hmm? Oh, those are called "pentacles." They're sort of a
coin inscribed with a pentagram; it's a mystic icon of sorts.
CROW: And I have five of them? Oh wait, this other card shows three!
JOEL: <fast getting overwhelmed> Well, they're in different places,
Crow, so they mean slightly...
SERVO: Hey, Crow! You've got a guy with a table of gold chalices
over here!
CROW: What? Is that my future or my past? Or is it an asset, perhaps?
JOEL: No, those are called "cups", you see, and...
SERVO: Joel!
JOEL: What?
SERVO: This sucks!
JOEL: What do you mean, Tom?
CROW: Yeah! Which part of my life sucks?
SERVO: No, this whole system! I mean, you're using bizzare cards such
as the Knight and quantities of cups to try to measure various
aspects of someone's life! What does a pentacle represent in
modern society? Nothing, apart from a subway token! The whole
Tarot system seems to involve rationalizing the orientation of
outmoded symbols into a convoluted and vague prediction
regarding someone's life!
JOEL: Well, yeah, a little bit...
CROW: Joel? I think he might be right...
JOEL: What do you want me to do?
CROW: <hopefully> Change the world we live in?
JOEL: That's your job, little buddies!
CROW: I had a feeling you'd say that.
SERVO: <hesitantly> Umm... Joel? Did you ever wipe that jelly off the
desk?
JOEL: Oooops. <peeks under one of the cards and grimaces>
< Lights flash and alarms sound. Joel and the 'bots begin scurrying. >
JOEL: We have Posting Sign!
< Havoc ...<>...6...5...4...3...2...1... >
>
> I had a dream that night. It may have been a series of
< Joel and the 'bots wander in, muttering about Posting Sign cards
being oriented in the future... >
> dreams, actually. All of them involved me helping Beloved escape
> from some bad people.
JOEL: Naughty, evil, wicked Zut!
> There were car chases worthy of "The
> French Connection" in the dream.
SERVO: Okay, perhaps they were worthy of "Mighty Jack". Maybe.
> I remember being chased by some
> small town Southern sheriff
JOEL: She was being chased by a small town?
CROW: With ordered randomly words!
> with all of his attendant prejudices.
SERVO: <southern accent> Hi, I'm Justin. These are my attendant
prejudices, Brutus and Arthur.
> Beloved was somewhere else driving away to freedom,
JOEL: Sounds like he stumbled into the conclusion of "The Prisoner"!
> but would
> collect me later. I took refuge in a revival meeting, of all
> things.
CROW: If you can imagine!
> The people there sheltered me and helped me hide the
> car.
SERVO: Didn't Beloved take her car and drive away to freedom?
> Unfortunately, the sheriff found it and had someone
> vandalize it so that it would not run anymore. Then, he found
> me. For those who do not know, I am a black American, (or
> African-American, if you prefer).
JOEL: Good thing she didn't mention this fact anywhere near the
*beginning* of this post! Geez...
> This sheriff taunted me with
> racial slurs and insulted the relationship with Beloved because
> it, (the relationship), was interracial. Somewhere in there, my
> father, who is deceased, got into the act.
CROW: Okay, so he didn't actually participate much... Just sorta
slumped mutely in the corner...
> I don't remember how
> or where, except that he was in this part of the dream too.
JOEL: Who? Beloved?
SERVO: The dead father, I think...
CROW: Does it really matter? This whole post is incoherent no
matter how you read it!
> Anyway, the sheriff said one too many things and the revivalists
> pounced on him. No more sheriff. :)
JOEL: When they pounced, he was trounced!
CROW: And they wiped up the remains with Bounce!
SERVO: Eww! Crow, that didn't need to be announced!
> In the dream,
JOEL: Isn't that what you *were* talking about?
> I remember
> thinking about what Wraith would do if he had been there. I
SERVO: Not another new character this late in the post!
> won't go into it here, but he loathes racists and racism of any
> sort.
>
> This dream was significant.
CROW: 'Nuff said! Let's move on.
> I have not dreamed of my father
> in a long time. I loved him from the very depths of my soul. He
SERVO: <sniff> How touching!
> was, to be honest, not a good person when he was younger. He was
> a retched father as well. Between him being a jerk, and my
JOEL: Wait a second! Didn't she say that she deeply loved him only
a few lines ago?
CROW: Yup. She's one of those masochism types, I guess.
> mother using every trick in the book to make me afraid of him,
> there was a long period where we were estranged. Then, when I
> reached about 15 or 16-years old, things became
CROW: Don't talk about your personal things here! Whatever changes
you went through are your own business!
JOEL: Enough, Crow! We get the picture.
> absolutely
> miserable at home. I found him
JOEL: <kid's voice> On the way home, can I keep him?
> and, from there, we began an
> incredible friendship that lasted until his death when I was 25
> or so.
SERVO: Guys, this is getting really *weird*.
JOEL: Yeah. I'm just glad that the dream sequence is over!
>
> When I awakened,
ALL: Huh?!?
> I was so sad. I missed my father terribly
> and I missed Beloved even more. I got through the next few hours
> on auto-pilot,
CROW: Otto, take charge! I'm gonna have a drink.
> as I so often do these days. Then, I sat down to
> watch a video that included a bit of sadness. The tears began to
> fall as my body trembled in abject agony.
SERVO: And alliterative addiction!
> I have not cried for
> Beloved like that in weeks. All of the pain I've stored inside
> for fear of allowing him to see, and also of being unable to
> cope, came out. I did not try to stop it and, in fact,
> encouraged myself to cry some more as hard and as long as need
> be.
JOEL: <Morissey> Did I mention that I cried?
> But, other bodily systems got the better of me and I had to
> stop. I cried myself into a fit of coughing and things got
> messy. Nevertheless, I felt better. I felt freer.
CROW: All thanks to new StayFree Maxi Pads!
> I was still
> very sad--more sad than I can describe--but
SERVO: I'll proceed to describe it anyhow.
> it was somehow ok. I
> had allowed the pain I felt to enter me, absorb me and pass
> through me to the other side. It was healthy to do so.
JOEL: That's right, it's *healthy* to ignore your emotional problems.
CROW: C'mon Joel, I bet she's just crashing from those illegal
cigarettes; emotional troubles are really the least of her
worries!
> I do not
> believe that would have happened had I not made a connection with
> him on that other plane.
JOEL: She's trying to say that she's happy she made her connecting
flight, or what? I'm lost...
> So, for me, traveling to that other
> space was very helpful.
SERVO: <droning teacher> If she begins meditating at 5AM and her
father's soul leaves the plane at 5:30AM heading North at
23 mph, how long until...
>
> I will also say that I have met him again since. It was
> today, in fact. I placed myself in a meditative state while in
> the MR imager.
CROW: Joel, isn't that part of a XEROX copier?
JOEL: I thought MR meant "Magic-Resistance".
> <That is a story in itself that I may tell
> later.>
SERVO: As long as you don't clarify the present post in any way.
> This time, the focus was NOT on he and I,
CROW: Joel, do you think she means "NOT (Beloved AND I)" or
"(NOT Beloved) AND I"?
JOEL: Why ask me?
SERVO: Well, Joel, you're the human around here.
CROW: Yeah. We count on you to simplify human logic for us.
JOEL: <mutters> Stupid 'bots.
CROW: You programmed us!
> but on me and
> someone else. I believe that I met someone who was/is meant to
> teach me how to use what I have discovered within myself. It
> was/is an African. He is very tall, very thin and old.
SERVO: He's also no longer in the past tense.
JOEL: Enough grammar flaming, already!
> The
> impression I've gotten is that he is a shaman or healer of some
> sort.
CROW: Papa Legba?
> He never spoke to me, but I could tell that he is kind and
> loving. He was attempting to teach me
JOEL: Hey! That's sexual harassement!
SERVO: No, she said, "teach"!
> how to communicate more
> telepathically. Each time I looked at Beloved, who was floating
> around in the white space, he told me not to look to him for
> answers, but to look to the old man. I was JUST beginning to
> learn when I was removed from the imager and had to
CROW: Replace the toner cartridge.
> come back to
> this plane. As I told a few people on IRC today, I would gladly
> have stayed in the imager another half hour or so.
JOEL: <matronly> Now you *know* that if you stay in too long you
get all wrinkly...
> I feel that
> this man, should he appear again, has a great deal to teach me.
> I wish to learn from him. I only hope I get the chance.
>
> Half Moon
CROW: Sister of Gibbous Moon!
SERVO: Follower of Reverend Moon!
>
>
> --
>
> x
> x I took a heavenly ride through our silence
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x I knew the moment had arrived
> tad@netcom.com x For killing the past and coming back to life
> x I took a heavenly ride through our silence
> an25509@anon.penet.fi x I knew the waiting had begun
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x And headed straight...into the shining sun
> x --Pink Floyd, "Coming Back to Life"
> x
JOEL: It really doesn't make a lot of sense to include an anonymous
address right under your real one, does it?
>
> --
>
> x
> x I took a heavenly ride through our silence
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x I knew the moment had arrived
> tad@netcom.com x For killing the past and coming back to life
> x I took a heavenly ride through our silence
> an25509@anon.penet.fi x I knew the waiting had begun
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x And headed straight...into the shining sun
> x --Pink Floyd, "Coming Back to Life"
> x
CROW: Yes, always send duplicates of your .sig, in case the post puts
people to sleep and they miss the first one!
JOEL: Newbie tracks.
SERVO: That's it, guys. Let's roll, er, hover.
< They exit the theatre ...1...2...3...4...5...6...><... >
< As Joel enters, the 'bots are at the desk. Rectangles of cardboard
festooned with colorful pictures form a complex pattern on the surface
of the (cleaned) desk. >
JOEL: Hey, you two munchkins, why'd you hurry out of the theatre?
CROW: Well, Joel, we wanted to try casting our new Tarot 3000 deck for
you so we could tell *you* about your future.
SERVO: We've got some mixed news...
JOEL: Well?
CROW: Hmm... On the good side, we've turned up the Killer Shrews card
in your past, which means you've overcome any drinking problems.
SERVO: Yes, and in the position above you is the Gamera card, which
means that you're kind to children.
CROW: Even better, beside you is the Jet Jaguar card, which means one
of your assets is robots!
JOEL: Aww. You guys, I didn't need some stupid cards to tell me that
you're my greatest pals 'round here!
SERVO: Unfortunately, it's not all roses, Joel.
JOEL: What? Did you turn up Death or something?
CROW: Sort of, in your future, we found... Torgo, the Card of Fate.
It means that you will soon face a terrible physical debilitation!
SERVO: <forced cheerfulness> Don't worry, Joel! It's just some cards
we made! It couldn't really mean anything, right?
< The mad scientist light begins flashing >
CROW: <concerned> You won't get hurt on us, will you?
JOEL: Oh, you two! Worried over nothing! Hey, the mads are calling...
< Deep 13, with Forrester suddenly realizing the camera is on when he
glances up from his clipboard. >
DR. F: Ah! Joel, my Little Space Mambazo! I hope you loathed it
thoroughly! I'm afraid that I was not paying too much attention
myself. But you can rejoice; it will be your last posting for
the next few weeks.
< SOL Bridge, Joel perks up a bit >
JOEL: Really? I finally get a vacation?
< Deep 13, Forrester keeps glancing at his clipboard >
DR. F: Yes... <nods vaguely> Your chart shows that your health is
beginning to suffer; I guess I'm overworking you a bit. So I'm
going to put you on a health plan for two weeks to get you back
in shape.
< Brief shot of Joel giving a sidelong glance to the 'bots >
DR. F: You see, in preparation for next week's invention exchange, I'm
developing a new form of Deep Hurting Nautilus Machine...
< SOL Bridge, Joel is in tears. Crow is patting him on the back. >
SERVO: C'mon, buddy, it's just a coincidence! Really!
JOEL: Goodbye, my beautiful knees! <sob>
< Back in Deep 13, Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank are watching with
great interest. >
FRANK: Well, Clay, I think you've hit a milestone. The first exercise
machine to cause pain before it's even used!
DR. F: Thank you, Frank. I do my best. Now, push the button, will you?
FRANK: I did. About ten minutes ago.
DR. F: Oh. It's...?
FRANK: Said it was "working" last I checked. It'll finish any time n--
|
\ | /
\ | /
- - - * - - -
/ | \
/ | \
|
Written and Produced by
Adam "Dran" Riggs <ariggs@uop.edu>
Based on the Posting by
Half Moon <tad@netcom.com>
_Mystery_Science_Theatre_3000_ and its characters, situations,
conventions, et al, are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best
Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the legal rights of Best Brains Inc. is
intended.
< A dialogue box pops up and the credits cease rolling >
+-------------------------------------+
| A General Protection Fault has |
| occurred in module 0FA0:0081 (KRNL) |
| Fatal Error. |
| |
| <Cancel> <Panic> <Fade Out> |
+-------------------------------------+
< A mouse cursor trundles into view and hits the "Fade Out" button.
We hear Dr. Forrester curse as the screen fades to black. >
==========
> ... We were both sending so
> much out to each other that most of it was not getting through so
> that it could do what it was supposed to do. Even so, enough was
> getting through so that we each knew the other was there. ...
Adam Riggs - ariggs@uop.edu
Go back to John's MST3K Page.