MiSTed: Society for Reverse Engineering
****opening credits****
1..2..3..4..5..6..*
<SOL: Mike and the 'Bots are hard at work on SOMETHING. All we can really
make out is the fact that the table is covered with lots of electronic
looking stuff and tools.>
<Mike looks toward Cambot and puts down a screwdriver.>
Mike: Oh, hello and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I think we are finally
going to put the Mads in their place this week. We have come up with
the invention exchange to end all invention exchanges.
Crow: Yeah, it's a...
Tom: Don't TELL them. Let them see it when the mads do. It'll heighten
the suspense.
<Mike puts on some smoked glasses and lights a welding torch.>
Mike: We're still trying to work here, so why don't you watch a commercial
or something and then come back.
<Commercial sign flashes>
***Commercials***
<SOL: Tom and Crow are in tuxedoes and Mike is in his tuxedo jumper. On
the center of the table is a large box with the words "Incredibly
Awesome Invention Exchange" written on it.>
Mike: Welcome back. Well, the invention exchange is finished. This thing
could change life on Earth forever.
Crow: Yeah, that's why we're all dressed up.
<Gypsy enters in an evening gown.>
Gypsy: So, do you really think it's going to work Mike?
Mike: I'm sure of it. Just think, no more hunger, no more wars, no more
crime. It'll be incredibly awesome.
Tom: Hence the name.
<Mad light flashes.>
Mike: Ok, guys, here we go.
<Mike presses Mad button.>
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Well, Nelson, I think that we will do our invention exchange first
this week.
<Frank wheels in a large ray gun looking thing.>
Frank: Being mad scientists, we spend a lot of our free time trying to make
the world a more miserable place. But sometimes, some do-gooder
out there creates something to improve the quality of life for
everyone.
Dr. F: That's why we have created GoDDeR, the Good Device Destruction Ray.
I'll explain how it works in a minute, first a demonstration. Frank?
<Frank presses a button on the side of GoDDeR.>
<SOL: The box on the table explodes.>
Mike: NO!!!!!!
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Well, I certainly didn't expect that. You may be a better
inventor that the other guy, Nelson. That makes me hate you
even more. GoDDeR works by finding the most useful invention and
destroying it. It also removes any knowledge of how it worked
from the minds of all people involved.
<SOL: Mike is just staring at the box.>
Tom: It's ok Mike. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway.
Mike: Gee, thanks Tom. That REALLY makes me feel better.
Tom: Hey, I'm trying, ok.
Crow: At least the smoke is pretty.
Mike: Just give it up, guys.
<Deep 13>
Dr. F: Just to keep the pain going, I've got a posting from
alt.alien.visitors for you. Enjoy!
<SOL>
ALL: We've got USENET sign!!!
*..6..5..4..3..2..1
> Article 10894 of alt.alien.visitors:
> Message-ID: <143303Z10081994@anon.penet.fi>
> Path: xanth.cs.odu.edu!news.larc.nasa.gov!lerc.nasa.gov!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
> From: an107740@anon.penet.fi
Crow: Ah! Another person commited to their cause.
> X-Anonymously-To: alt.alien.visitors
> Organization: Anonymous contact service
> Reply-To: an107740@anon.penet.fi
> Date: Wed, 10 Aug 1994 14:26:23 UTC
> Subject: SOCIETY FOR REVERSE ENGINEERING
Tom: First you break the device, then you design it.
Mike: Do you have to talk about breaking things?
Tom: Oh, sorry.
> Lines: 160
>
> ..-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> JOURNAL FOR THE EXPLOITATION OF ALIEN TECHNOLOGY
Mike: I gues the Hatians are bringing lots of stuff with them.
> Volume 1, Issue No. 1
> July 4, 1994
Tom: Celebrate you independence from logic and sanity.
> ..-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> SPACE BROTHERS: ABEL DESERVED TO DIE AT THE HANDS OF CAIN
>
> Mankind is sick and weak. Darwinian theory has been shot to Hell because
Tom: Creationists have been destroying the evidence.
> we are breeding weak bodies and weak minds.
Crow: Wasn't that the motto of the Greeks?
Mike: Ahh, no.
> SHAPE UP! Take a look at all
> the spineless people around you.
Tom: They'll be lying in a puddle on the floor.
> Abel deserved to die because he was weak.
> If it wasn't for 'divine' intervention, we would have a strong society and
> be on our way to conquer space. Instead,
Mike: We have a god who loves us and tries to make life easier.
> we send weasels to Washington who
> fritter
Crow: Apples.
> away money that should be going into military and space programs.
>
> Why are we wasting away our lives?
Mike: Too many malls.
> I tell you, there is a force out
> there that has been affecting our judgement ever since mankind evolved.
Tom: It's called gravity.
> We
> have been manipulated by higher forces that have clouded our minds.
Mike: Oh, it must be sex then.
> These
> forces have held us back from conquering the universe.
Crow: And from understanding tax forms.
> If we don't resist
> these forces and change our ways, we deserve to die!
Tom: Don't worry. Everyone does eventually.
> What has been holding us back?
Mike: Air resistance?
Tom: Friction.
Crow: Macs?
Tom: Hey!
> Did you ever think about that? Were you
> even aware that our growth as a technologically advanced society has been
> stunted?
Crow: It's from all the drugs society did in the 70's.
> Perhaps you are one of those gullible "New Agers" whose brain
Tom: Is the size of a planet.
> sponges up whatever drivel you come in contact with?
Crow: It's a shammy.
> Perhaps you are a
> Christian or Jew who has been wasting their time
Mike: Trying to improve the quality of life for those less fortunate than
you.
> appeasing the forces that
> have held us back? Perhaps you are an Eco-nut
Crow: New in Just Right Cereal.
> who thinks we should
> sacrifice technological advancement for the sake of saving our tiny blue
> marble?
Mike: Fools! Trying to make a better place for your children.
> It's people like you who make we wish an asteriod would drop by
> and plow the whole pipe-dream to smithereens.
Crow: That's odd, you cause the same reaction in us.
> Get real! If we don't get
> off this turquoise ball,
Tom: Gee, he's so good with images.
> we can kiss our pityful lives good-bye.
>
> Who or what is this higher force? I'm glad you asked.
Crow: Hey! That was you, not us.
> Our Sun was born from the residue of two generations of stars.
Mike: Somehow that sounds gross.
> With
> each death of a sun, the variety and availability of metals increase. The
> first generation stars didn't have enough heavy metals for the growth of
> life with cognitive intelligence.
Tom: Hence, there was an early surplus of lawyers.
> But the second generation stars did.
> Although there are many star systems similar to our own, there are very
> few which had the conditions necessary for creating life.
Mike: So when you say "similar", you don't mean "close to the same".
> The star systems
> that formed prior to ours were not very hospitable either.
Crow: Which caused people to move away.
> They were
> subjected to a great deal of interstellar radiation. If life managed to
> evolve on a planet, it was often snuffed-out by asteroids, comets or
> self-annihilation.
Tom: Or maybe some combination of these.
Crow: They annihlated themselves with an asteroid?
Tom: Yeah. Why not?
> Life did managed to survive and flourish on a planet in
> a system far, far away.
Mike: It was called Alderan.
Crow: But it got blown up by the Death Star.
> The exact location is unknown at this time.
Tom: Because I'm making this up as I go along.
> They were a short, grey-skinned creatures with a large cranium and superior
> cognitive abilities.
Crow: Superior to what? You said they were the only one to survive.
> The beings on this planet were VERY fortunate.
Mike: They were all born into high class families.
> They
> were able to avoid all the major disasters we risk facing today. They soon
> discovered the secrets of interstellar travel, utilizing inter-dimension
> travel,
Tom: And carefully monitored by the Inter-dimension Commerse Commision.
> wormholes and space warping. Their elbow room was diminishing, so
> they searched the stars for a planet similar to their own. They found only
> one, Earth.
Crow: They then commited ritual suicide.
> At the time they discovered us, we were in the beginning of the Homo
> Sapien stage. The High Council of the interstellar travellers met to
> discuss the future of Earth.
Mike: They decided that with new curtains and a coat of paint, it would
look fine.
> It was decided that conquering the Earth was
> not necessary since they were
Tom: Likely to destroy themselves anyway.
> on the verge of building Dysan-like spheres
> to help increase their living space. They expected us to evolve into a
> species with a great deal of potential and they felt threatened by it.
Mike: So naturally, they let us live.
> The
> High Council decided to use all means necessary to hinder, but not stop,
> our intellectual and technological growth.
Crow: So, they introduced rock and roll to the planet.
> They did this to stop us from
> trashing our virgin world.
Mike: I guess their plan didn't work very well.
> At the same time, they would manipulate our
> minds, so we would be prepared for eventual assimilation.
>
> The Dysan spheres were eventually placed in orbit around Barnard's star.
Crow: But without Barnard's permission.
> The spheres were spaced at specific intervals to reduce perturbations in
> the star's movement.
Tom: This person has NO clue what a Dyson shpere is, does he?
> Colonization of the spheres was difficult - no one
> wanted to leave their shiny blue-green globe.
Mike: They'd all worked so hard polishing it.
> Most of the spheres were
> eventually colonized. In time, it was discovered that the DNA of people
> living on these spheres had become adversely mutated after many thousands
> of years and the damage appeared irreversible.
Tom: And I thought enviromental impact studies took a long time.
> It became necessary to move
> people between the planet and the Dysan spheres to slow the degenerative
> evolution of their people.
Crow: And to stimulate the transportation industry.
> All forms of DNA manipulation and
> transplantation were ineffective. Some of the High Council members decided
> it was time to speed up the assimilation of Earth. The Earth year was 1947.
>
> Remember Roswell? We managed to capture one of their crafts along with
> one live alien. John F. Kennedy was
Tom:(as Paul Harvey) That alien. And now you know, the rest of the story.
> killed after he threatened to reveal
> this information to the public. After many years of study, it appears we
> have reverse engineered
Mike: Isn't that redundant?
> the craft and can now build a working prototype.
> We must divert all our resources to building a fleet of combat space
> vehicles and to the building of defense systems which can repel
Crow: Cool! Mountain climbing defense systems.
Mike: No, Crow, the sentence isn't over yet. It would be cool, though.
> an attack
> from alien spacecrafts. The code name for the combat spacecraft project is
Tom: Idiocy.
> Aquarius, while the code name for the defense system project is
Tom: Stupidity.
> Meteor.
> Most of the work is being performed at Area 51.
Crow: Right between 50 and 52 all this time and I never noticed.
> UFO researchers have
> figured out what is going on,
Mike: And have branded me a moron since I obviously have no clue.
> and that has made top secret officials very
> edgy. Once in a while, they allow stooges like
Crow: Shimp or Curly, but never Moe, he's too smart.
> Robert Lazar into the
> projects and subsequently plant the seeds necessary to discredit them.
Tom: Usually corn, but sometimes they use tomatoes.
> So where's the proof that aliens are manipulating us?
Crow: Hidden somewhere in the labrynth of your mind.
> If you didn't
> realize that our advancements in science have been slowed throughout
> history, then the aliens have been successful.
Mike: THAT'S your proof?
> WAKE UP!
Crow: Sorry, just couldn't keep my eyes open.
> They are out to
> get us! They planted various religions on our soil,
Tom: What does a Christian seed look like?
Mike: Alot like a Hindu seed, only rounder.
> by fogging the brains
> of gullible individuals. Alchemists were decapitated during witch-hunts.
Crow: I might have that backward, I'm not really sure.
> Galileo was almost lynched for claiming the Earth was not the center of the
> universe. Inquisitions were held to root out anyone who would dare to
> suggest the bible was NOT the source of all 'science'.
Mike: Gee, these days the opposite happens.
> And still, you sorry
> fools stumble into churches to worship the all-mighty God.
Crow: The words "all-mighty" could be an encourgment there.
> Let's face it,
> you are actually worshipping a group of sly aliens who are keeping you
> corralled like unsuspecting little lambs.
Tom: What? You expected God to be from Earth?
> As part of the assimilation process,
Crow: So, it's the Borg who are doing all this.
> the aliens are performing on-going
> experiments to manipulate our evolution. They take sperm samples and ova
> samples. They examine our genitals
Mike: Gee, I was already self-conscious. That certainly doesn't help.
> and implant fetuses. They insert
> mind-controlling implants into your head so they can manipulate your
> mind and track your movements.
Mike: At least THEY don't force people to read these posts.
> These experiments are the reason why the
> sperm count in the average male has dropped by 50 percent over the past
> half-century.
Tom: I'd like to meet the average male.
Mike: He wouldn't be very interesting.
> Some people have suggested that we are being visited by a variety of
> aliens. This is not true.
Crow: Much like everything I've said.
> Some of these short, grey-skinned creatures are
> able to cause their abductees to hallucinate.
Mike: Others must rely on theater in the round.
> They prefer to appear as a
> humanoid race called "Nordics", since humans are more cooperative with
> humanoids.
Mike: Well, that would only make sense.
> One ploy the aliens use to test our foolishness is through the
> introduction of conflicting and often damaging socio-political ideologies.
Tom: And the constant adjustment of hem-lines.
> The aliens appear to favor the philosophy of fascism. Adolph Hilter was
> an abductee and was the favorite 'son' of the aliens.
Crow: Hitler didn't care for the aliens, however, since they had grey skin.
> World War II was one
> of the aliens greatest successes. Hitler's legacy was passed on to future
> generations. The HH sign of the UMMO aliens was an abbreviation for
Tom: Happy Hannakah?
Mike: Harry Hamlin?
Crow: Hot and Heavy?
> Heil
> Hitler.
All: Oh.
> Billy Meier's aliens were not only fascists and anti-Semites, but
Mike: They were also unable to accessorize.
> they promoted homosexuality by exiling deviants to
Tom: The Navy.
> single-sex planets.
Crow: They're sorta like the Shakers.
Mike: What?
Crow: They have to keep their numbers up by recruiting.
> Dr.
> Fred Bell, another fool,
Tom: One of my peers.
> claimed to have sex with Meier's female alien
> named Semjase. Of course,
Crow: This is impossible since Dr. Bell has no genitals.
Mike: That crosses the line young man.
Crow: Hey, you programed me.
Mike: No I didn't.
Crow: Oh, sorry, old habit.
> the whole ludicrous story wouldn't be complete
> without photographs.
Tom: Gross, alien porn.
> Mr. Meier was forced to take pictures of saucers
> dangling from helium-filled balloons with the help of his mind-controlling
> implant.
Mike: How did his implant help the saucers dangle?
> The aliens must have gotten a good laugh from the whole incident.
> I'll bet they didn't expect the foolish "New Agers" to worship Meier long
> after he was discredited.
Tom: I'll bet they didn't expect techno to become so popular.
> The neo-Nazi propaganda hasn't stopped;
Crow: As a matter of fact, you're reading some right now.
> George
> Green is channeling his trash from an alien whose stage name is Pleiadian
> Commander Gyerogos Ceres Hatoon.
Mike: Whatever he changed it from must have been horrible.
> The aliens are also behind the cattle mutilation mystery. But they
> aren't the ones doing the dirty work. They have control over a group of
> humans who have a propensity towards sick and disgusting acts of violence.
Crow: The Mormons!
> The aliens supervise the Four Pi Movement - a group of 'controlled'
> individuals who have been subjected to brainwashing.
Tom: Why would you brainwash someone you already control?
> They are renown for
> human and animal sacrifice, child pornography and international narcotics
> trading.
Mike: As well as their stain-resistant ashtrays.
>
> The aliens are responsible for many of the most heinous acts in human
> history.
Crow: Like the production of Roseanne.
> We have wasted a great deal of time fighting each other, because
> we are a bunch of weak-minded fools.
Tom: And because you won't just do as I say without question.
> You fumble through life thinking that
> you are in control of your mind. WRONG!
Crow: Your mind is really in control of you.
> Frankly, I shouldn't be telling
> you this because you deserve to be punished for being duped.
Mike: Then by all mean, shut up.
> Any moment
> now, you will point a gun to your head and pull the trigger. DON'T DO IT!
Tom: Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.
> You now have the opportunity to redeem yourself! Repel the urge to kill
> your neighbor!
Mike: Unless he happens to have written this.
> Vow to shoot all Greys on sight! Direct all your energy into
> support for the space program and military research!
Tom: Buy War Bonds!
> Support the Society
> for Reverse Engineering! Hug a nuclear physicist today!
Crow: But gently, they're very fragile.
> Together we can
> fight the alien invasion and win!
Mike: Or not, it's the trying that really matters.
Crow: Yeah, well this whole post has been trying. Let's get out of here.
Tom: We have to wait for the anon serivce info.
> ..-------------------------------------------------------------------------
> (c) 1994 Society for Reverse Engineering.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> To find out more about the anon service, send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
Tom: Be sure to include your credit card numbers.
> Due to the double-blind, any mail replies to this message will be anonymized,
Crow: So he wouldn't know who we are either? That has to be a good thing.
> and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically. You have been warned.
> Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.
Crow: Why did we have to wait for that?
Tom: It was the most interesting and useful part of the post.
Mike: True.
1..2..3..4..5..6..*
<SOL: Crow is sitting on the table with a screwdriver in his hand and
one of his legs detached. Mike and Tom enter.>
Mike: Ah, Crow. What are you doing?
Crow: I'm reverse engineering myself.
Tom: You're what?
Crow: I'm trying to see how I work so I can build more of myself. That way
I can have the perfect best friend.
Mike: I hate to break it to you buddy, but they don't make one of the
parts anymore.
Crow: What!?!
Tom: That's right, your whole torso has been discontinued.
Crow: Now you tell me.
<Crow looks at his detached leg and at the screwdriver and back a few times.>
Crow: Either of you know how to put my leg back on?
<Mad light flashes>
Mike: No, but it'll be fun to try.
<Mike pushes button as we hear Crow start to cry.>
<Deep 13>
TV's Frank: So, shall we destroy another useful invention before supper?
Dr. F: Why not? If you'd do the honors Frank.
<Frank pushes the button on GoDDeR again. Smoke begins to rise from it.>
Dr. F: Oh-no Frank, I guess DoGGeR was more useful than we thought.
TV's Frank: You mean GoDDeR.
Dr. F: I can't remember! Push the button Frank.
<Frank pushes the button>
***blink***
***closing credits***
Disclaimer: MST3K and the characters/places/things and whatever are the
property of Best Brains. They didn't write this, I did, so it's not their
fault. This MiSTing was done for fun and entertainment and should not be
read as an attack on anyone or anything mentioned in it, or not mentioned in
it. MST3K is (c) 1994 by Best Brains. This publication is not meant to
infringe on any of these copyrights. Feel free to distribute this at will
as long as you don't change anything.
> It's people like you who make we wish an asteriod would drop by
> and plow the whole pipe-dream to smithereens.
Tazer One - warren@nightshade.cs.odu.edu
Go back to John's MST3K Page.