MSTed: Fleeing the Dollar

<OPEN ON: The SOL bridge. Tom and Crow are present behind the desk,
standing stock still and staring straight forward. Nothing happens
for several seconds.>

TOM: Are we there yet?
CROW: No.

<long pause>

TOM: How about now?
CROW: No.

<long pause>

TOM: Hey, Crow.
CROW: Yeah?
TOM: Zip, then fasten? Or fasten, then zip?
CROW: I'm not having this conversation.

<The Mads' light flashes. Mike wanders into the scene, whistling idly.>

MIKE: Oh, hi everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson,
and these are my partners in crime, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot. What
are you two up to now?
CROW: Passing the time.
TOM: Yeah, you wouldn't think it would be _boring_ stuck up on a satellite
with nothing to do, but there you are.
CROW: Yup.
TOM: Dull, dull, dull.
CROW: Yup.
MIKE: Well, start taking an interest, because Knight One and Knight Two
are calling. What up, sirs?

<Deep 13.>

DR. F: Can the wisecracks, Jinxo, it's time for your medicine. Frank?
FRANK: <graciously> Thanks, Steve. Yes, tonight we're serving up the
finest in pap, a recycled macroeconomic horror posted, for no good
reason, to alt.fan.dan-quayle.
DR. F: That's right, Frank. It's called "Fleeing the Dollar -- A
Safe Haven," only with a lot more punctuation, and it's really not
very good at all. Bon appetit!

<Frank, with great melodrama, pushes the button.>

<SOL Bridge. The usual chaos and pandemonium.>

TOM: <panicky> Hey, wait a minute! Did I ever say I _disliked_ being bored??
MIKE: Too late for that now, we've got ripoff sign!

*...6...5...4...3...2...1...

<Mike, Crow, and Tom enter the theatre and sit down.>

Article 30683 of alt.fan.dan-quayle:

CROW: Aw, nuts. We missed the previews.

Path: psuvax1!news.ecn.bgu.edu!willis1.cis.uab.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!jussieu.fr!univ-lyon1.fr!swidir.switch.ch!newsfeed.ACO.net!Austria.EU.net!EU.net!uunet!news.delphi.com!bilrum

MIKE: <singing> What a long, strange trip it's been...

From: bilrum@delphi.com (Bill Rummel)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Subject: Fleeing the Dollar ** A Safer Haven $$

CROW: I have a terrible sinking feeling...

Date: 18 Aug 1994 18:50:42 GMT
Organization: Delphi Internet Services Corporation

TOM: Yep. We're in for it.
MIKE: Hey, Tom, be nice. I'll bet that most of the posters from
Delphi are rational and intelligent just like any others.
CROW: Yeah, but you don't seriously think the Mads would send us anything
from _them_, do you?

Lines: 72
Message-ID: <9408181446596.DLITE.bilrum@delphi.com>

TOM: I have a feeling that DLITE is that last thing we're going to get
from this.

NNTP-Posting-Host: bos1d.delphi.com

CROW: Talk about one-dimensional characters...

X-To: Bill Rummel <bilrum@delphi.com>

TOM: Wait a minute, he addressed this to _himself_?
CROW: Shh, the post is starting.



If your taxes had increased at the compounded rate of 6% for the past twenty
years,

MIKE: You'd probably be living in New York!
TOM: Wah-dump-bum!

 it's a certain thing you'd have shouted "Enough, Enough - No More Tax
Increases!"
 But, and little do you realize, this is precisely what the US
Government has been doing to US Dollar holders as measured by the soaring value 
of the Swiss Franc.

TOM: Swiss Franc? Any relation to TV's?
CROW: You're going to hell for that pun, Servo.

 Since 1971 the value of the Swiss Franc has gone from 24
cents to nearly 77 cents today!

MIKE: My God!
TOM: That's terrib... uh... hmm?
CROW: Er. Should we be upset? Help me out here...

 Even though the US$ has been having its own
"invisible crash",  few $ holders around the world know it

TOM: Oh, no! It's McElwaine!
CROW: Aaaah!
MIKE: At some point you guys are going to have to tell me who this
McElwaine person is.

, fewer even care,

CROW: Hey, he mentioned us!

and even less are taking defensive action to protect their savings from further 
depreciation.

MIKE: I wish I knew what he meant by "defensive action," and when he was
planning to take it.
TOM: Why?
MIKE: So I'd know not to stand near any water towers or book depositories.

Yes friends, we're duping ourselves and the world into continuing 
 to hold these paper "IOU Nothings" to fund our debt. You see, what we can't be 
taxed outright for, our Congress, a succession of Presidents, and always with
the collaboration of the Fed, have been extracting the price of their
prolifigate spending by debauching the Dollar.

ALL: <make drunken party noises>

 And we, like little sheep, are
standing still to be shorn!

ALL: <make sheep noises>

 The dreams and hopes of millions have been dashed

TOM: <Shatner voice> Millions. Of. Lives. Are. At. Stake!

as inflation destroys the accumulated savings, inheritances, education plans,
fixed pensions & retirement comfort of dollar savers. And still, who do we look 
to for relief?

TOM: A brilliant, yet principled international currency trader?
MIKE: An action hero?
CROW: Your sysadmin?

 Why, our very own government, of course!

MIKE: <chuckling, slapping his knee> Oh, of course! How silly of us.

 Being intellectually
honest with yourself, do you really believe

TOM: <documentary voice> ...that folks like this can continue to post to
USENET without totally ruining Delphi's reputation?

 the US Government is willing to
solve our monetary problem when they are the one that created the mess in the
first place?

TOM: No!
CROW: Yes!
MIKE: Ah... Pass!

 No, until Americans become informed and demand a return to
Constitutional principles, the fate of the $ is sealed - continued loss of
value, eventually sinking into the abyss of worthlessness.

CROW: <insulted> Hey, I _liked_ "The Abyss"!

 World currency
expert Franz Pick

CROW: Isn't his name spelled with an R?
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: <defensively> I just alluded to it. I didn't come right out and say it.

 reminds us that, "Paper currencies since their beginning have 
always become wothless. There are no exceptions, not one." When?

TOM: Is this going to be on the test?

 No one can
forecast for sure, but world $ holders are catching on to the scam.

CROW: Why, I've caught on to _this_ scam already!

 It'll
require ever higher interest rates

MIKE: I don't know about you guys, but my own interest rate is getting
lower with every passing second.

 for the govt to fund its debt as savers need 
a higher rate to partially compensate them for the risk in holding dollars.
Millions now are opting out of holding dollars altogether,

CROW: <Jimmy Stewart> This has all the earmarks of a run on the bank!

 seeking refuge in
stronger currencies - like the Swiss Franc. 

MIKE: But wait a minute. Wasn't the Swiss Franc the tool of evil a few
sentences back?
TOM: Come on, Nelson. This is international banking. Good and evil don't
enter into it!

The vehicle of choice has become

TOM: The Dodge Behemoth. The car that thinks it's a house!

 the Swiss Franc annuity which has yielded over 
9% per year, combining the guaranteed interest and appreciation

MIKE: You know, he's presuming an awful lot on our parts here.

 in its
currency. Here are some of the features: 

               * Avoid Probate

TOM: <doctor voice> Mr. Arnold, I have bad news. It's your probate.

                           * Tax-deferred
               * No Load

ALL: <clear throats, shift uncomfortably in seats>

                                   * IRA & 401(k)
Rollover Eligibility

MIKE: Heck, I wouldn't object if this guy got rolled over...
TOM: By all means, be our guest!

                * Guaranteed Interest                   *
Swiss financial privacy                * Legal to own                           
  * Cannot be confiscated by foreign (US)

MIKE: Multiple choice, kids!
CROW: Foreign!
TOM: US!
CROW: Both!
ALL: Neither!

                * CD Alternative

MIKE: Oh, I get it. He's selling DAT recorders!
       
                      civil court judgements                * Only 1st year
modest                * Immediate availability                  surrender
charge(500 SFr's) 

TOM: What is this, blank verse?

Furthermore, one type of annuity permits you to switch between currencies of
your choice, yen, D-Mark, and of course the US Dollar. You cannot purchase
these from US banks, brokers, or insurance companies because of legislation
<surprised?>. 

ALL: Aaah! <jump out of seats>

 But I'll send anyone a free informational packet on how to acquire them if
they E-Mail me their POSTAL mailing address.

TOM: <dripping sarcasm> Oh, may we?

 Any country, OK.

MIKE: He's in Oklahoma?

 The packet
includes a full explanation on the legal aspects, illustrations & application.
They don't come cheap though,

MIKE: <holds Crow's beak shut before he can respond>

 starting out at US$20,000, so please only those
qualifying respond - please save your time & my expense. 

CROW: <sarcastic> Well, it's too late to save our time, so...

This is not a solicitation - I'm not selling anything,

TOM: <with great deliberation> Ha.

 only making more aware
of how to protect their hard-earned savings. After all, when we return to the
form of Republic envisioned by our Founding Fathers this country's going to
need your wealth to rebuild it!  

CROW: <pompous voice> So please send it all to me, and I'll take good care
of it. Thank you.
MIKE: I'm willing to give him my two cents; how about you guys?

Best of financial health to all,

Bill   

MIKE: You too, Bill!
TOM: Take care, Bill!
CROW: Die a million flaming deaths, Bill!
MIKE: Let's get out of here.


...1...2...3...4...5...6...*

MIKE: I don't know. I feel dirty all over after reading that. I wanna
go and take a dozen showers.
TOM: I know what you mean. Yuck.
CROW: So, Mr. Nelson, what _are_ we going to do with our hard-earned
savings if not transform it all into Swiss francs? Huh? 
MIKE: We don't get paid, Crow.
CROW: Oh.
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

<Cut to Deep 13. They have the Big Checkbook invention exchange out.
Frank is trying to write a check with a pen the size of a totem pole.>

DR. F: Hmm? Oh, I wasn't paying attention, Boobie. We're busy converting
all of our research budget into Albanian leks. What with the currency
instability and all -- well, you know how it is. How's it going, Frank?
FRANK: <hefting the pen> Dr. Forrester, I think this thing is out of ink.
DR. F: <patiently> So go and get another one, Frank.
FRANK: But where am I going to find another... Hey! Don't do tha --

<Dr. F remorselessly reaches out and taps Frank on the forehead very
lightly with one finger. Unable to balance himself and the pen, Frank
topples over with a tremendous crash.>

DR. F: Until next time, Adam Smith...

<He pushes the button.>

\ | /
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--*-- click!
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---------------------------------------

MSTing by: Mark Sachs

Disclaimer: MST3K belongs to the Best Brains and I wouldn't ever in
a million billion years dream of infringing their copyright. (Not for
money, anyway.) Also, no ill feelings are meant towards Mr. Rummel,
no matter how much he may deserve them.

A Deep 23 Production

--------------------------------------

> ...world $ holders are catching on to the scam.