MSTed: DOES GOD LOVE YOU?
Mystery USENET Theater 3000, post 602, reel 1.
<roll theme v2.0>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
<Mike and Servo are playing backgammon as Crow, *still* wearing the grey
wig and beard from _The Dead Talk Back_, continues his cheesy guitar so-
lo. Mike has wads of cotton stuffed in his ears; Servo is wearing fluffy
yellow earmuffs. Mike rolls the dice and moves the pieces for both of
them. Servo indicates to Mike how he wants to move by nodding or shaking
his head when Mike points to different game pieces.>
<Crow, deciding his musical talents aren't receiving the appreciation
they deserve, goes offscreen to the left, still playing. Soon, a falset-
to howl of frustration is heard from that direction, followed by the
sound of a scuffle.>
CROW: <running by, sans guitar> ...aAAAAAAAAAa...
<Gypsy is hot on his heels, wielding the guitar in quite a threatening
manner.>
<The commercial sign light flashes. Mike looks up and notices this.>
MIKE: We'll be right back.
<The sound of a guitar taking great amounts of damage from being hit a-
gainst a robot is heard over the commercial bumper. Annoying local ads
follow.>
<All 'bots are present. Mike has taken the cotton out of his ears, Ser-
vo's earmuffs are gone, but Crow is still wearing his Jerry Garcia get-
up. Mike is examining the broken wreck that used to be Crow's guitar.>
MIKE: Sorry, Crow, I think your guitar's had it.
SERVO: <obviously not sorry at all> Oh, yeah, sorry your magnum opus
went down the tubes.
MIKE: Looks like all this is good for now is-- <He happens to tug on
just the right spot on the guitar, which snaps back to its proper
shape. He examines it again, and something on the back of its neck
catches his interest.> "Rock 'N' Wreck Guitar". Huh.
CROW: I found it with some of the other guy's stuff.
GYPSY: <as if with a sudden headache> Oooooh.
<The Mads light flashes.>
CROW: Hey, Asterix and Obelix are calling.
<Deep 13>
<Various pieces of farm machinery adorn the background. Dr. Forrester
looks like he's having a good day, while TV's Frank looks like he's been
having a rough one.>
DR. F: Ah, Nermal. You won't be receiving anything through the Umbilicus
this week. Instead, I'm performing a special experiment on Frank.
Consider the folk song "John Barleycorn". Go ahead, consider it.
Most people would say it merely represents an allegory, a meta-
phor... uh... one of those things. But I, Dr. Clayton Forrester,
am making it a reality! Why, you ask? Why? That's a need-to-know
question, Nelson, and you don't need to know! You're going to be
busy enough dealing with a little pile of religious propaganda
called "Does God Love You?".
<picks up a small staff, turns to Frank> Verse five, Frank.
<Frank barely moves, except for changing his expression to a grimace.>
<SoL>
<Everything is as before, except Crow's guitar is gone, gone, gone!>
MIKE: I said I'm *sorry*, Crow. I didn't look where I was going, I
tripped over Gypsy, and it just happened to fall in the disposal
chute-- <alarms go off, lights flash, etc.> We've got evangelist
sign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
> Xref: agora alt.romance.chat:45980 alt.alien.visitors:28591
MIKE: "I was John Bobbit's alien love slave"! In this month's Enquirer!
> Message-ID: 221311Z25071994@anon.penet.fi
> Path: agora!pagesat.net!pagesat.net!news.cerf.net!usc!howland.reston.
> ans.net!EU.net!news.eunet.fi!anon.penet.fi
> Newsgroups: alt.romance.chat,alt.christnet.hypocrisy,alt.alien.
> visitors
SERVO: Now there's three newsgroups I never thought I'd see together in
one line.
CROW: Mike, is this gonna be another John_-_Winston post?
MIKE: No, don't worry, this has been posted anonymously.
CROW: But what if it's John_-_Winston posting anonymously?
MIKE: Then we're all in for some trouble.
> From: an111956@anon.penet.fi (134anjh9m)
SERVO: Boy, there's someone who hasn't gotten over the Holocaust.
MIKE: Careful, we could get sued for that.
SERVO: But they'd have to sue the Mads.
MIKE: Hmm.
> X-Anonymously-To: alt.romance.chat,alt.christnet.hypocrisy,alt.alien.
> visitors
CROW: Well, what if two people met and fell in love, while one was ac-
tually a Gray, and they both didn't believe in Christianity?
SERVO: Crow, you never cease to amaze me.
> Organization: Anonymous contact service
MIKE: From the fifth floor men's room stalls in Eigenman Hall!
> Reply-To: an111956@anon.penet.fi
CROW: Finland! Finland! Finland!
> Date: Mon, 25 Jul 1994 22:11:08 UTC
SERVO: Uranus Time Code.
> Subject: <DOES GOD LOVE YOU?>
CROW: I don't know, but Barney does!
>Lines: 352
MIKE: Yes, win a year's supply of cornflakes simply by writing an essay
of 352 lines or less on the topic "Does God Love You?"
>
>
> <DOES GOD LOVE YOU?>
CROW: If God loves you, then why that face?
>
> Q.
MIKE: I knew it! Another Star Trek crossover.
> What kind of a question is that?
SERVO: Apparently one worthy of writing a post about.
> Anyone who can read sees signs,
> tracts,
MIKE: HUGE... tracts of land!
> books and bumper stickers that say,
CROW: "Bite me".
> "God Loves You." Isn't that true?
SERVO: Well, we didn't know either, so we asked the Big Guy himself.
>
> A. It is true that God reveals His love to the whole world,
CROW: And draws three-to-five for exhibitionism.
> as we read in
> one of the most quoted verses in the Bible:
MIKE: "Don't mix cotton with polyester."
CROW: "Jesus rode to town on his ass."
SERVO: "and bacon."
> 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son,
MIKE: His "only besotted son"?
SERVO: Foster Brooks of Nazareth!
CROW: <slurred> Take, drink, thish ish my hic bottle...
> that
> whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting
> life.'
MIKE: He gave the perishables everlasting shelf life!
> John 3:16
SERVO: ...meets THX-1138.
MIKE: On board the NCC-1701.
CROW: On MST 3000!
MIKE: If you can't promote yourself, who can you promote?
> However, God's love is qualified. The Bible says:
MIKE: "All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious. Any
resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental."
> 'The way of the wicked
> is an abomination unto the LORD: but he loveth him that followeth
> after
> righteousness.' Proverbs 15:9
CROW: Guys, these are the weirdest smileys I've ever seen.
> 'For the LORD knoweth the way of the righteous: but the way of the
> ungodly
> shall perish.' Psalm 1:6
SERVO: The LORD knoweth where you live.
>
> Q. But I am not wicked. I am a decent, moral person.
MIKE: And I swear, she *looked* eighteen!
> Surely the good I
> have done in my life far outweighs whatever bad I have done.
SERVO: Oh, no-- the OJ Simpson defense!
> How can
> these verses apply to me?
MIKE: Yes, please, take the words of the Bible and twist them around to
explain to us why 'Married: With Children' is the work of Satan.
CROW: Hey, I thought it really was.
>
> A. By God's standard of righteousness even the most moral person is
> looked upon by God as a desperate sinner on his way to Hell.
SERVO: Well, maybe Mr. Critical here needs to lower his standards!
MIKE: Uh-oh, you're going to Robot Hell for that one.
> The Bible
> teaches that no one is good enough in himself to go to Heaven.
SERVO: It also teaches in Leviticus that football is a sin, but we'll
ignore that for all our Bible-thumping friends in Texas.
> On the
> contrary, we are all sinners, and we are all guilty before God.
CROW: Literally, "You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you
don't."
> 'As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:
MIKE:<imitating Clinton> No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
> There is none
> that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.' Romans 3:10-11
SERVO: <sings with Cockney accent> I've never 'ad anything quite like a
moose, no, I've never 'ad anything quite like a moose.
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: The smiley.
MIKE: Oh... I guess.
> 'The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can
> know it?.'
CROW: <deep sepulchral voice> Who knows what deceit lurks in the
hearts of men? GOD KNOWS!
> Jeremiah 17:9
MIKE: Jeremiah never knew the touch of a woman.
>
> Q. If I am such a wicked person in God's sight, what will God do to
> me?
ALL: <evil laughter>
>
> A. The Bible teaches that at the end of the world all the wicked will
> come under eternal punishment in a place called
CROW: Cleveland.
SERVO: Greenfield.
MIKE: Slimy Falls, Wisconsin.
CROW: Kansas.
SERVO: Akron.
MIKE: New Jersey.
> Hell.
ALL: Oh.
> 'For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest
> hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire
> the
> foundations of the mountains.
CROW: Gaia's got the Mother Earth of all ulcers!
SERVO: Wrong mythos, Crow.
> I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will
> spend my arrows upon them.
MIKE: But my Van Huesens are off limits!
CROW: What's the dollars-to-arrows exchange rate these days?
> They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured
> with burning heat, and with bitter destruction.'
MIKE: And they shall be sent to bed without any dinner.
SERVO: But what about this place called Hell?
> Deuteronomy 32:22-24
MIKE: An elk in high heels, um... balancing on a vacuum cleaner.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: The smiley.
CROW: Oh.
>
> Q. Oh, come on now! Hell is not real, is it?
MIKE: Here's someone who hasn't watched Fox recently.
> Surely things are not that bad.
SERVO: That global warming thing is just hooey.
CROW: They haven't *proven* nicotine's addictive.
MIKE: Comedy Central *will* get their schedule sorted out!
> A. Indeed, Hell is very real,
SERVO: Just look at Jesse Helms.
> and things are that bad for the individual
> who does not know the Lord Jesus Christ as Savior.
CROW: So, that's basically all the non-Christians in the world, then?
SERVO: Yep, pretty much.
> The Bible makes many
> references to Hell,
SERVO: But was published in an unrefereed journal.
> indicating it is both eternal and consists of
> perpetual suffering.
MIKE: I always pictured hell as temporary and pleasant.
> 'And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast
> into
> the lake of fire.' Revelation 20:15
SERVO: I am the god of hellfire! And I bring you...oh, skip it.
CROW: Skiing, anyone?
> 'So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth,
CROW: And do battle with the Red Sox.
> and
> sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the
> furnace
> of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.'
MIKE: Remember to gnash your teeth after every meal.
> Matthew 13:49-50
> '...the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty
> angels,
CROW: What about the Mighty Ducks?
MIKE: I'd say they're the work of someone lower down.
> In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and obey
> not
> the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ: who shall be punished with
> everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the
> glory
> of his power.' II Thessalonians 1:17-9
SERVO: II Thessalonians and a Baby!
>
> Q. That is terrible!
CROW: That's all you can say? You believe this stuff and all you can
say about the everlasting destruction of millions is "That is
terrible!"???
> Why would God create a Hell?
MIKE: Well, if you're God, I can see how model airplanes wouldn't
really hold your interest.
>
> A. Hell is terrible,
SERVO: In fact, it's hell!
> and it exists because God created man to be accountable
> to God for his actions.
CROW: Wait a second, Mike. I forgot. Is Hell good or bad?
MIKE: Hell is terrible.
> God's perfect justice
SERVO: Doesn't sound "perfect" to me.
MIKE: Tom Servo, you are gaining speed on the Sacreligious Bandwagon
to Hell, you know that?
> demands payment for sin.
CROW: <as announcer> So, when the Day of Judgement arrives, remember to
bring your VISA card, because God will take your soul, but He
won't take American Express.
> 'For the wages of sin is death.' Romans 6:23
SERVO: <as announcer> Yes, the wages of sin are death, but you get e-
ternal paid vacation and health care benefits!
> 'For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that
> every
> one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he
> hath
> done, whether it be good or bad.' II Corinthians 5:10
CROW: II Corinthian Crew.
MIKE: "As Holy As They Wanna Be."
> 'But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they
> shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.' Matthew 12:36
SERVO: Prepare to pay for all those "Gi-gan-tor" comments, Nelson.
>
> Q. Does that mean at the end of the world everyone will be brought
> to
> life again to be judged and sent to Hell?
CROW: <sings> We will all burn together when we burn, no need to stand
in line and wait your turn...
>
> A. Indeed it does; that is, unless we can find someone to be our
> substitute in bearing the punishment of eternal damnation for our
> sins.
MIKE: Oh, a patsy!
> That someone is God Himself, who came to earth as Jesus Christ to
> bear the
> wrath of God for all who believe in Him.
CROW: <Edward G. Robinson voice> Listen here, Jesus--you're gonna take
the rap for my sins, see? Nyah!
SERVO: Wait a minute! God bears his own wrath?
MIKE: This is starting to sound dysfunctional. I think God needs group
therapy.
> 'All we like sheep have gone astray;
SERVO: All we like goats are butting our heads into everything;
CROW: All we like horses have unnecessarily hard feet;
MIKE: All we like dairy cows give great quantities of milk.
> we have turned every one to his own
> way; and the LORD have laid on him the iniquity of us all.' Isaiah
> 53:6
MIKE: That's what you-saiah.
> But he was wounded for our transgressions,
SERVO: Let Aamco fix your automatic transgression!
> he was bruised for our
> iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his
> stripes
MIKE: But I like polka-dots.
> we are healed.' Isaiah 53:5
CROW: I liked him better when he was playing for the Pistons and not
writing religious stuff.
> 'For I delivered unto you first
SERVO: The pepperoni with extra cheese, though thou hadst ordered the
green pepper, onion, and mushroom.
> all of that which I also received, how
> that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that
> he was
> buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the
> scriptures.'
> I Corinthians 15:3-4
SERVO: "I, A Woman."
CROW: "I Am Curious (Yellow)."
MIKE: "Me, Natalie."
> 'For he hath made him to be sin for us, who new no sin;
CROW: <as George Bush> Read my lips-- no new sins.
> that we might be
> made the righteousness of God in him.' II Corinthians 5:21
>
> Q. Are you saying that if trust in Christ as my substitute, as the
> One
> punished for my sins, then I will not have to worry about Hell
> anymore?
SERVO: Think of trusting in Christ as a "Get out of Hell Free" card.
>
> A. Yes, this is so! If I have believed in Christ as my Savior,
MIKE: Allah will be cheesed.
> then it is
> as if I have already stood before the Judgment Throne of God.
SERVO: Virtual Religion.
> Christ as
> my substitute has paid for my sins.
MIKE: Wait a minute, you changed from the second person to the first
person right there.
> 'He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that
> believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God
> abideth on
> him.' John 3:36
CROW: Whoever wrote the Thcriptureth hath a bad lithp.
SERVO: You know, the _Principia Discordia_ says that the deepest circle
of Hell is reserved for those who believe in Hell because they
think they'll end up there if they don't.
MIKE: Silence, heretic.
>
> Q. But what does it mean to believe on Him? If I agree with all what
> the
> Bible says about Christ as Savior, then am I saved from going to
> Hell?
MIKE: Only if you have a note from Epstein's mother.
> A. Believing on Christ means a whole lot more than agreeing in our
> minds
> with the truths of the Bible.
SERVO: Okay, here's the catch.
CROW: I knew it was an infomercial!
> It means that we hang our whole lives on
> Him.
CROW: Like sweatsocks on a bannister.
MIKE: Our Father, who art a clothesline...
> It means that we entrust every part of our lives to the truths of
> the Bible.
CROW: Including the part about not wearing multiple fabrics at the same
time?
SERVO: And not eating shellfish?
MIKE: And the part in Genesis with the two conflicting stories of
Creation?
> It means that we turn away from our sins and serve Christ as
> our Lord.
CROW: It means that we must also wear silly shoes and play Parcheesi
till the cows come home.
> 'No man can serve two masters:
SERVO: And if you don't believe us, ask Torgo!
> for either he will hate the one, and love
> the other;
MIKE: Well, if you can't hate the one you love...
CROW: Then hate the one you're with.
> or else he will hold to one, and despise the other. Ye cannot
> serve God and mammon.'
SERVO: Hello, I'm Tom, and I'll be your waiter this evening.
No, Mammon, I can't serve you-- that's not my table.
> Matthew 6:24
> 'Repent ye therefore, and be converted,
MIKE: Switch to Solaris and feel your spirit snore.
> that your sins may be blotted
> out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of
CROW: Zima!
MIKE: Eugh! Sounds like the apocolypse.
> the
> Lord.' Acts 3:19
SERVO: Camera 1:34
CROW: Lights 2:20
>
> Q. Are you saying that there is no way to escape Hell except through
> Jesus?
MIKE: "Through Jesus"? He's got an Umbilicus, too?
SERVO: Check the crate of Hamdingers, there might be another escape pod
in there...
> What about all the other religions? Will their followers also go
> to Hell?
CROW: If we're lucky.
>
> A. Yes, indeed.
MIKE: Jews?
SERVO: Yup.
CROW: Taoists?
SERVO: Yup.
MIKE: Zoroastrians?
SERVO: Yeppers.
CROW: Unitarians!
SERVO: That's a tricky one... aw, heck, into the pit with them.
> They cannot escape the fact that God holds us accountable
> for our sins.
SERVO: Does he hold you accountable for your stupidity?
> God demands that we pay for our sins.
MIKE: Every Sunday, when the collection plate comes around.
SERVO: Salvation on the installment plan!
CROW: Yeah, but think of the interest.
SERVO: I know when the sermon starts, *I* lose interest...
<Both 'bots hoot with glee>
> Other religions
> cannot provide a substitute to bear the sins of their followers.
CROW: <snobbishly> *They* have to make do with *personal* responsibili-
ty.
> Christ
> is the only one who is able to bear our guilt and save us.
SERVO: I wonder if he's flexible on this point.
> 'Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other
> name
> under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.' Acts 4:12
MIKE: Jesus saves, shoots, SCORES!
> Jesus said: 'I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh
> unto
> the Father, but by me.'
SERVO: Hey, God's got a protection racket going!
> John 14:6
> 'If we confess our sins,
MIKE: It gives the clergy a chance to feel superior.
> he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,
> and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.'
CROW: Thanks to new Clorox Bleach.
SERVO: Because if you can smell the sinning up here...
MIKE: You could use some bleach "down there".
> I John 1:9
>
> Q. Doesn't the Bible teach that I must attend church regularly and be
> baptized?
CROW: Yes, but the Bible contains more contradictions than the words of
Ollie North.
> Will these save me?
SERVO: Oh, it's all about YOU, isn't it? Maybe you should worry about
saving Jesus for a change.
>
> A. If possible, we should do these things,
MIKE: And tithe like it's 1999.
> but they will not save us.
CROW: So screw it.
> No
> work of any kind can secure our salvation.
SERVO: That's why St. Peter recommends The Club.
> Salvation is God's sovereign
> gift of grace,
MIKE: Oh, great, God always brings us the same thing every Christmas.
We already have six of his salvations in the closet.
> given according to His mercy and good pleasure. Salvation
> is, 'Not of works, lest any man should boast.'
CROW: No man should boast, yet you are saying that we must follow your
way, which is the one and only true way. Spot the problem there,
Sparky?
> Ephesians 2:9
CROW: Do you think 134anjh9m is easy to reason with?
MIKE: I will have a turkey sandwich for lunch today. A turkey sandwich
is all that I will have. You must prepare for me a turkey sand-
wich or find yourself in an eternal Hell that consists of perpe-
tual suffering.
'So it is he that maketh the turkey sandwich that shall prosper,
all others shall feel the wrath of God. Neither is it the BLT,
nor the reuben, nor the ham on rye with swiss that shall spare
ye.' Sandwiches 4:95 (.30 extra with pickle)
>
SERVO: I can't believe you remembered his username, Crow.
CROW: We're robots, remember? We can remember everything if we want to.
SERVO: Oh yeah. Heh.
> Q. Now I am desperate.
SERVO: Take it easy, Senator Packwood.
> I do not want to go to Hell.
CROW: <desperately> I can't get cable there!
> What can I do?
MIKE: Get an exchange at the TWA ticket window.
>
> A. You must remember that God is the only one who can help you.
CROW: He has the only user's guide in heaven.
> You must
> throw yourself altogether on the mercies of God.
MIKE: Batting your eyelashes and sitting on the old geezer's lap don't
hurt, either.
> As you see your hopeless
> condition as a sinner,
SERVO: Ooh, is that going to be on pay-per-view?
> cry out to God to save you.
<Crow and Servo make crying baby noises.>
MIKE: <deep God voice> Darnit, you kids, quit your crying! God has a
headache.
> 'And the publican, standing afar off,
CROW: Next to the pissoir.
> would not lift up so much as his
> eyes unto heaven,
SERVO: Not to mention his skirt.
> but smote upon his breast,
MIKE: There's something dirty there, and it's just killing me that I
don't know what it is!
> saying, God be merciful to
> me a sinner.' Luke 18:13 '...Sirs, what must I do to be saved? And
> they
> said,
CROW: <in a too-perfect Forrester voice> Push the button, Frank.
> Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved...'Acts
> 16:30-31
SERVO: Hey, the game went into overtime.
>
> Q. How can I believe on Christ if I know so little about Him?
MIKE: Our first bachelor tonight is a carpenter, his hobbies include
walking on water and healing lepers, and he says he wants a girl
just like his mother... a virgin. Let's say hello to Jesus
Christ.
>
> A. Wonderfully,
CROW: Madly, deeply!
> it is God who saves us through the Lord Jesus and gives
> us
SERVO: Creepy crawlers?
MIKE: The Thing Maker?
CROW: Frozen yogurt machines?
SERVO: Bread makers.
MIKE: Apples!
CROW: Very small rocks!
> the faith to believe on Him. You can pray to God
SERVO: But it doesn't seem to help as much as some would have you be-
lieve.
> that he will give you
> faith in Jesus Christ as your savior.
MIKE: I know our poster believes in this strongly, but I wonder if he
can support it with a quote from the Bible.
> 'For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves:
> it
> is the gift of God.'
MIKE: I thought so.
> Ephesians 2:8
CROW: Pretty good odds with these track conditions.
> God works particularly through the Bible
SERVO: And telemarketing.
> to give us that faith. So, if
> you really mean business with God about your salvation,
MIKE: Call the number on your screen for an appointment.
> you should use
> every opportunity to hear and study the Bible, which is the only word of
> God.
CROW: Oh, then explain why the Book of Job tells us that we can never
really know or understand what God wants us to do.
> In this brochure,
SERVO: Ah, I see, this is all just a front to sell plots next to a golf
course.
CROW: I am not surprised.
> all verses from the Bible are printed between
> single quotes, i.e., ' '.
SERVO: <as if comprehension is just beginning to dawn> Oh, I get it
now!
> Give heed to them with all your heart.
MIKE: And both your kidneys!
> 'So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.'
> Romans
> 10:17
SERVO: Oh, so Romans is telling us that all the deaf are condemned to
burn in the fires of hell for all eternity? Somehow, I don't
think so.
>
> Q. Does this mean that I have to surrender everything to God?
CROW: Yep! Now hand over the wallet.
>
> A. Yes.
MIKE: Starting with your women.
> God wants us to come to Him in total humility, acknowledging our
> sinfulness and our helplessness, trusting totally in Him.
> 'Saith the Lord:
CROW: Nevermore.
> but to this man will I look,
MIKE: Look to this man, young graduate.
> even to him that is poor
> and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at my word.' Isaiah 66:2
> Because we are sinners we love our sins.
CROW: <as Homer Simpson> Mmmmmmmm... sin.
> Therefore, we must begin to pray
> to God for an intense hatred for our sins.
SERVO: Ha ha ha! Oh, that's rich.
MIKE: Please, God, let me hate so that I become pure of spirit.
> And if we sincerely desire
> salvation,
SERVO: Just get a large bass drum and a red kettle.
> we will also begin to turn from our sins as God strengthens
> us. We know that our sins are sending us to Hell.
MIKE: Wait, I thought God was sending us there.
> 'Unto you first God, having raised up his Son Jesus,
CROW: The less said about that, the better.
> sent him to bless
> you,
ALL: Gesundheit!
> in turning away every one of you from his iniquities.' Acts 3:26
CROW: Hey, Mike, you know, this post sure repeats itself a lot.
MIKE: You think?
CROW: It's repetitive.
MIKE: I noticed.
CROW: And redundant.
MIKE: You can say that again.
CROW: And it says the same things over and over.
MIKE: Yeah, pretty much.
CROW: It just keeps repeating itself.
MIKE: Yup.
SERVO: If you're reading this, Mr. anon, wherever you are, NOTE HOW
ANNOYING THAT WAS!!!
>
> Q. I don't know if I am ready to do that. I need some time to think
> about it.
SERVO: I think I'd like to comparison shop.
MIKE: <as a car salesman> Yeah, think about it, but don't take too
long. I got three other guys coming to look at salvation today.
>
> A. You might not have any time. For one thing,
CROW: <Groucho Marx voice> Either this man is dead or my watch has
stopped.
> you might not live to see
> tomorrow.
SERVO: You take a chance every time you get up in the morning, every
time you order out, every time you stick your face in a fan...
> What God said
MIKE: <singing> What God wants, God gets, God help us all.
SERVO: Just not the same after Pink Floyd, was he?
> to the man who trusted in the things of this
> world He could say to you,
SERVO: <deep Godlike voice> One word: plastics.
> 'Thou fool, this night thy soul shall be
> required of thee.'
CROW: What about the rest of my fish?
> Luke 12:20
MIKE: Missed the Magna Carta by five minutes.
> Also the Bible says that the end of the world is coming soon.
SERVO: To a theater near you!
MIKE: Wait, define soon. The old testament is older than Rue McClana-
han!
> 'The great day of the Lord is near, it is near,
SERVO: You said that.
> and it hasteth greatly,
> even the voice of the day of the Lord: the mighty men shall cry
> bitterly.
CROW: You cry, I'm bitter.
> That day is the day of wrath...'
MIKE: Saran wrath.
> Zeph. 1:14-15
CROW: Oh geez, now he's quoting Douglas Adams for his philosophy.
>
> Q. Is the day of wrath and judgment really near?
SERVO: You bet it is-- they've already found your stash.
> Can we know how close
> to the end of the world we might be?
MIKE: A comprehensive question and answer period will be held following
the post.
>
> A. Yes! It is near.
CROW: And yours for this ridiculously low price.
> God gives us much information in the Bible
SERVO: Most of which you'll find in this post.
> concerning
MIKE: How to get sweat stains out of undergarments.
> the timing of the history of the world and tells us that while the Day
> of
> the Lord will come as a thief in the night for the unsaved,
SERVO: So deadbolt your doors.
> it will not
> come as a thief in the night for the believers.
MIKE: More like an extortionist in the early afternoon.
> There is much evidence
> in the Bible that
SERVO: Jim Carrey really isn't funny.
> the end of the world and the return of Christ may be
> very close.*
MIKE: *batteries not included.
> All of the time clues in the Bible point to this.
CROW: Except when they point to 1986, 1000, the late third century...
> 'Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing,
MIKE: Oh, great, God works for the DMV now.
> but he revealeth his secret unto
> his servants the prophets.' Amos 3:7
> 'For when they shall say, Peace and safety; then sudden destruction
> cometh upon them, as travail upon a woman with child; and they shall
> not
> escape.'
ALL: Boooo!
SERVO: You know, I'm starting to not like God.
MIKE: Oh, don't worry, God wouldn't really be like this. This is just
the vision of one kook in Finland.
CROW: Suddenly that high suicide rate is explained ...
> I Thessalonians 5:3
> 'And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for
> a
> witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.'
SERVO: Then the sequel: God II: Where Angels Dare.
> Matthew 24:14
>
> Q. Besides being the time for Judgment Day, what else will happen at
> the
> end of the world?
SERVO: Someone will build a restaurant called Milliway's.
MIKE: Land prices will go through the floor.
CROW: Comedy Central *won't* pre-empt us without warning?
MIKE: Well, the world ends, basically. That's kind of the point.
>
> A. Those who have trusted in the Jesus as their Savior will be
> transformed into
CROW: Mr. B Natural!
MIKE & SERVO: Aigh!
> their glorious eternal bodies and will be with Christ
> forevermore.
CROW: <singing> Yes, we will all go together when we go, all suffused
with an incandescent glow.
> 'For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout,
MIKE: Hi-keeba!
SERVO: Look out! My parachute won't open and I'm aiming for those 90210
punks to break my fall!
> with the
> voice of the archangel,
MIKE: And the face of Slim Whitman.
> and with the trump of God:
SERVO: Someone's been reading Amber novels.
> and the dead in Christ
> shall rise first:
CROW: Can I make that Thomas Nagucci joke?
MIKE: No, I think you'd better not.
SERVO: Like Lowell George said, "No Tha ..."
MIKE: Stop it.
> Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up
> together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air:
SERVO: <Minnewegian voice> Ooh, it's so cold up here in the air, I
should have brought an extra sweater.
> and so
> shall we
MIKE: Plummet like the dollar.
> ever be with the Lord.' I Thessalonians 4:16-17
> Also God will destroy the entire universe by fire
CROW: What about the asbestos parts?
> and create new heavens
> and a new earth where Christ will reign with His believers
> forevermore.
> 'But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night;
MIKE: We know, we know.
> in which the
> heavens will pass away with a great noise,
SERVO: Hey, God, quit eating those burritos!
> and the elements shall melt
> with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall
> be
> burned up...
MIKE: <Elvis voice> Just a hunka hunka burnin' Earth...
> Nevertheless we, according to his promise, look for new
> heavens and a new earth,
CROW: We've secretly switched the heavens and the earth with Folger's
Crystals.
> wherein dwelleth righteousness.'
SERVO: Yeah, but if it's filled with righteousness, it must get pretty
boring.
> II Peter 3:10,13
>
> Q. Why does God give us this warning?
MIKE: To watch us squirm.
CROW: He's kinda cruel that way.
>
> A. Just as God warned ancient Nineveh that He was going to destroy
> that
> great city and He gave them forty days warning,
SERVO: Oh, like a warranty.
> the Bible also warns us
> that the end is very near.
CROW: Look, unless the Bible mentions a specific year, how in the name
of Kreskin can we tell that it is near NOW and not 50 years from
now?
> 'And Jonah began to enter into the city a days journey, and he cried,
> and
> said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.' Jonah 3:4
>
> Q. What did the people of Nineveh do?
MIKE: I'm guessing they died.
>
> A. From the king on down they humbled themselves before God, repented
> of
> their sins, and cried to God for mercy.
CROW: Boy, nothing like breaking the spirit of a nation to ensure God
gets his jollies.
> The king said:
> 'But let man and beast be covered with sackcloth,
MIKE: On sale this week at Clothestime!
> and cry mightily unto
> God:
SERVO: "YOU BASTARD!"
> yea, let them turn every one from his evil way, and from the
> violence that is in their hands.
CROW: Not to mention their trousers.
> Who can tell if God will turn and
> repent, and turn away from his fierce anger, that we perish not?'
> Jonah
> 3:8-9
SERVO: Yeah, Jonah, like we're going to believe after that time you got
drunk on tequila at the beach and claimed you'd been swallowed by
a whale.
>
> Q. Did God hear their prayers?
MIKE: No. God's answering machine was destroyed in an unfortunate acci-
dent.
>
> A. Yes.
CROW: But he ignored them.
> God saved a great many people of Nineveh.
SERVO: Although what God saved them FOR He isn't saying.
>
> Q. Can I still cry to God for mercy so that I will not come into
> judgment?
MIKE: Oh, I'm sorry, you just missed the deadline.
>
> A. Yes. There is still time to become saved even though that time has
> become very short.
SERVO: Just send $50,000 to this address:
> 'Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call upon him while he is
> near.'
CROW: If all lines are busy, please hold until the next deific represen-
tative becomes available.
> Isaiah 55:6
> 'How shall we escape, if we neglect so great a salvation; which at the
> first began to be spoken by the Lord, and which was confirmed unto us
> by
> them that heard them.' Hebrews 2:3
SERVO: You take I-35 to Kansas City, turn west on I-70 to Denver. From
there...
> 'In God is my salvation and glory: the rock of my strength, and my
> refuge, is in
MIKE: Prudential Securities.
> God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your
> heart before him:
CROW: Eww!
> God is a refuge for us. Selah.'
MIKE: <singing> Que selah, selah...
CROW: Peter Selah.
SERVO: "The Pink Preacher Strikes Again!"
> Psalm 62:7-8
MIKE: Now, that's just plain disgusting!
SERVO: Huh?
MIKE: Never mind.
>
>
> <Are YOU ready to meet GOD?>
CROW: <Sally Struthers voice> Sure, we all are.
>
> * A book entitled 1994?, written by Mr. Harold Camping,
SERVO: With any luck, he was camping in Rwanda.
> presents
> Biblical information that we may be very near the end of time.
MIKE: Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.
> For more
> information on how to obtain a copy or to receive a free program guide
> of
> our Gospel broadcasts, please write to: Family Radio, Oakland, CA
> 94621
> or call 1-800-543-1495.
CROW: Oh, okay. Now it makes sense. Just looking to pad out the old ego
and wallet, eh?
>
>
>
> FAMILY RADIO NETWORK STATIONS
MIKE: <falsetto> All right, who broke this transmitter?
'BOTS: Not me!
>
> Alabama
> WBFR* Birmingham 89.5 FM * Stations with
> extended
> service via
> translators
> Arizona
> KPHF* Phoenix 88.3 FM ** Call for shortwave
> schedule
> California
> KHAP* Chico 89.1 FM
CROW: Are you KHAPpy in your work?
SERVO: She was one major chicko, wasn't she?
CROW: Rrrow!
> KECR* El Cajon/San Diego 93.3 FM or 910 AM
> KFNO
SERVO: K-Fnord, the World Domination Station!
> Fresno 90.3 FM
> KEFR* Le Grand 89.9 FM
> KFRN Long Beach 1280 AM
> KEBR* No. Highlands/Sacramento89.3 FM
> KEBR Rocklin/Sacramento 1210 AM
> KEAR*
MIKE: Friends, Romans, countrymen...
> San Francisco 106.9 FM
> KPRA* Ukiah 89.5 FM
SERVO: Frank KPRA.
>
> Connecticut
> WCTF Vernon 1170 AM
>
CROW: I wonder what all these call letters stand for?
SERVO: Who knows.
MIKE: We could always make something up...
> Florida
> WJFR
CROW: Okay... Jogging For Rubles.
> Jacksonville 88.7 FM
> WWFR
SERVO: Will Work For Rent.
CROW: Showoff.
> Okeechobee 91.7 FM
> WYFR**
MIKE: Your Fears Realized.
> Okeechobee Shortwave
> WFTI
CROW: Firesign Theater International.
SERVO: Sure, we wish.
> St. Petersburg 91.7 FM
>
> Georgia
> WFRC*
SERVO: Far-Ranging Casserole.
> Columbus 90.5 FM
>
> Illinois
> WJCH*
MIKE: Jolly Corporate Headquarters.
> Joliet 91.9 FM
>
> Iowa
> KDFR*
CROW: Detests Franklin Roosevelt.
> Des Moines 91.3 FM
> KYFR
SERVO: Yak-Farming Repairmen.
> Shenandoah 920 AM
>
> Maryland
> WFSI*
MIKE: Furry Steel Ingots.
> Annapolis 107.9 FM
>
> New Jersey
> WKDN*
CROW: Kudzu Destruction Network.
> Camden (PA area) 106.9 FM
> WFME*
SERVO: Follows Me Everywhere.
> Newark (NY area) 94.7 FM
>
> New York
> WFBF
MIKE: Falling Behind Furniture.
> Buffalo 89.9 FM
> WFRH*
CROW: Forever Rudely Hushed.
> Kingston 91.7 FM
> WFRS
SERVO: Uh... oh... pass.
MIKE: You can try the next one.
> Smithtown 88.9 FM
> WFRW
SERVO: First Republican Wiretap.
> Webster 88.1 FM
>
> Ohio
> WCUE
MIKE: Causes Unstable Emissions.
> Cuyahoga Falls 1150 AM
> (Cleveland area)
> WOTL
CROW: Orange Teeth Lost.
> Toledo 90.3 FM
> WYTN
SERVO: Y To Night?
CROW: Hey, I call a penalty! You get to clean out the load pan bay to-
morrow.
SERVO: Oh, is my creativity threatening you?
CROW: Since when is a kluge creative?
<Mike calms them down before an open thermonuclear war can erupt.>
> Youngstown 91.7 FM
>
> Oregon
> KQFE*
MIKE: K-Quiffy, a division of Bullfrog Productions.
> Springfield 88.9 FM
>
> Pennsylvania
> WEFR Erie 88.1 FM
> WFRJ* Johnstown 88.9 FM
SERVO: W-Frijole, the Tex-Mex Station.
>
> South Carolina
> WFCH* Charleston 88.5 FM
>
> Texas
> KTXB* Beaumont 89.7 FM
CROW: *Your mileage may vary.
>
> Utah
> KUFR* Salt Lake City 91.7 FM
>
> Washington
> KARR*
SERVO: Aaaa! Now it's a Knight Rider crossover!
> Kirkland (Seattle area) 1460 AM
> KJVH Longview 89.5 FM
>
> Wisconsin
> WMWK Milwaukee 88.1 FM
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
> To find out more about the anon service,
MIKE: Where've we seen this one before, guys?
> send mail to help@anon.penet.fi.
SERVO: I think we can all agree this guy needs help.
> Due to the double-blind,
MIKE: Double-blind... Is that when you're blind and you're wearing a
blindfold?
SERVO: Double-blind leading the... well, you know.
> any mail replies to this message will be
CROW: Considerably more readable and probably less repetitive.
> anonymized,
> and an anonymous id will be allocated automatically.
MIKE: So they'll be anonymized, and anonymized.
> You have been warned.
> Please report any problems, inappropriate use etc. to admin@anon.penet.fi.
CROW: You can tell their mail server's going to be backed up from here
to Fidonet.
>
ALL: <singing as they leave> We will all go together,
When we all go together,
Oh, we all will go together when we go!
>
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
<Mike and all the 'bots gather 'round the counter as usual. There is a
letter on the counter.>
CROW: Boy, what piece of crap.
SERVO: You can say that again. No wonder it got posted anonymously.
CROW: Say, Mike, if Christianity's so full of money-grubbing liars, how
come so many humans follow it?
MIKE: Well, I think you're oversimplifying, Crow. Every religion has its
cranks. People these days tend to forget that Christianity was
founded on caring, moral principles-- be kind to others, respect
your neighbors--
GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
MIKE: Uh, well, there are a few individual differences...
SERVO: <slipping into academic lecture mode> Actually, recent examina-
tion of the documents found at Khirbet Qumran, better known to
the layperson as the "Dead Sea Scrolls", suggest a rather differ-
ent origin, one more similar to cults such as the Branch Davidi-
ans.
MIKE: That's not the the point, Tom! Christianity is basically a peace-
ful, friendly religion, despite all the rich evangelists trying to
tell you otherwise.
CROW: Actually, I think it sounds pretty good.
MIKE: You do?
CROW: Yeah! See, according to the Bible, as helpfully interpreted by to-
day's post, we're all sinners...
MIKE: <uncertainly> Yes...?
CROW: But all our sins, not matter how great or small, get taken off our
shoulders by the celestial whipping boy...
MIKE: That's the theory...
CROW: So we can sin as much as we want, and still get off scot-free! A-
nyone else feel like some raping, looting, and pillaging, with
maybe a little religious conversion to follow? <starts to run off
to who knows where, but Mike restrains him>
MIKE: No! Crow-- <makes a vague gesture as he tries to come up with a-
nother angle on the debate, then gives up> Forget it. Come on,
we've got to read a letter.
<picks up letter from counter> Okay, this is from-- oh, let's put
that on still-store.
<Cambot briefly displays a picture of the letter, which is neatly hand-
written.>
MIKE: <reading letter> "Dear Mike, Gypsy--"
GYPSY: Yay!
MIKE: "--Tom Servo, Crow, Cambot, and Magic Voice..." I think that's e-
veryone... "You're trapped in a spaceship hundreds of miles above
the earth, and I'm not. I laugh in your general direction, ha ha
ha. I don't care what happens to you, as long as I'm down here
having fun." And it's signed-- "Joel"?!!
SERVO: Wha--?
<Crow opens his mouth, and freezes. Gypsy faints.>
MIKE: <bewildered> What do you think, sirs?
<Deep 13>
<Dr. F is leaning back, laughing wildly. He straightens up and calms
down a bit.>
DR. F: <tauntingly> Oh, did your esteemed creator lose interest? Oh, too
bad!
FRANK: Gee, your Steveness, I never noticed how much the other guy's
handwriting looks like yours.
DR. F: VERSE SEVEN, FRANK!!! <points off to the right with equal empha-
sis>
<Frank meekly departs. Dr. F regains some control of himself as heavy-
machinery sounds are heard.>
DR. F: <to camera, still seething> Until next time, lab rats.
<He reaches offscreen to the right, picking up a drinking horn, with
which he makes a toasting motion as he pushes the button.>
\ | /
\ | /
---0---
/ | \
/ | \
<fwshhhh>
<gagging and spitting>
MSTed by Richard "T-Bone" Burton <burton@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov>,
Todd Federman <rebelset@kaster.cts.com>,
Jim Gould <JIM.GOULD@billteds.com>,
Petrea Mitchell <pravn@mvp.com> - Almighty Editor,
Robert Payes <dflat@iia.org>,
Tom Salyers <ab107@freenet.hsc.colorado.edu>,
Spatch <spatula@twain.ucs.umass.edu>,
& Tazer One <warren@cs.odu.edu>
Host segments and other boring stuff by Petrea Mitchell
Special thanks to Keith "Dribbs" Dreibelbis
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, merchandise,
and small rocks are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. Not intended as an attack
on anyone's beliefs, though the editor hopes it will have some educa-
tional value for the original poster. This article may be freely distri-
buted as long as this notice remains intact.
If you'd like to MSTify some deserving piece, contact <misties-request@
jg.cso.uiuc.edu> to join the "dibs" mailing list.
> 'But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they
> shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.' Matthew 12:36
Go back to John's MST3K Page.