MSTed: B Creme: Part 2 of 4

From: burton@lobster.gsfc.nasa.gov (T-Bone)

[We come back from a commercial featuring that creepy Clothestime "chick" to
 see Mike, Tom, and Crow entering from the right again.]

>From: John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com

MIKE: I think you guys are missing the whole concept of a deity.
CROW: Well, how about Elvis?
TOM: Or Edward R. Murrow?

>Newsgroups: alt.pagan,alt.dreams,alt.mythology,alt.fan.john-winston

TOM: Speaking of pagan, can we arrange John_-_ to be a sacrifice?
MIKE: Well, given all the time he spends on the net, he *must* be a virgin.
CROW: Yeah, but I don't think he's Clapton's type.
MIKE: Clapton is NOT God, Crow!

>Subject: B. Creme. Part 2.

TOM: I'm Paul Harvey .................. Good day!

>Message-ID: <114299@cup.portal.com>
>Date: Wed, 15 Jun 94 07:59:52 PDT

MIKE: I think it's been a bit longer than that since John_-_'s last date.
CROW: Assuming he's ever had ONE.

>Organization: The Portal System (TM)

CROW: "Organization"? The organization of John_-_Winston's posts make the LA
      Clippers' front office look like a Roman legion.

>References: <84562@cup.portal.com> <84576@cup.portal.com>
>  <110007@cup.portal.com> <CovBA0.8En@cuug.ab.ca> <110330@cup.portal.com>
>  <113304@cup.portal.com>

TOM: Oh, and there are the references to "The Weekly World News", "The
      Enquirer", and the March '92 issue of "Delusion Today", ...

>Lines: 203

TOM: And that is how much in street value?
MIKE: Mr. Delorean, could you please speak a little closer to the vase?

>Xref: news.gsfc.nasa.gov alt.pagan:35141 alt.dreams:9377 alt.mythology:4960

CROW: Hey, does NASA know that its facilities are being used for this?
AUTHOR'S VOICE: Shut up, Crow.
CROW: Oh, sorry...
TOM: I think you touched a nerve there...

>
>Subject: Creme.  Part 2

MIKE: After seperating the two eggs, ...

>
>   If you are still with me

TOM: You are now in my power. You are feeling sleepy ... sleepy ...

>this is part 2.

CROW: This is part 2 on drugs.

>
>Middle East agreements
>----------------------

MIKE: Hm, well, given the FASCINATING, Nostradamus-like predictions in part
      1, I predict that Maitreya's predictions about the Middle East are ...
TOM: That it is East of somewhere ...
CROW: That it is in the Middle of something ...
MIKE: And that it is a region of instability.

>
>"The Palestinians will have their own country."  (June 1988)

TOM: However, they still won't be happy because the Syrians keep playing the
      stereo all night.

>
>"The Israeli army, against all expectations,

CROW: Will use pink tutus and beaded purses for their official uniform.

>will withdraw from the West
>Bank

MIKE: That must really hurt their IRAs...

>and Gaza and return."  (June 1989)

TOM: There's a really hilarious Johnny Cash joke there, but I can't find a
      way to get it past the censors.

>
>Israel and the PLO

MIKE: Live from Caeser's Palace on HBO's Friday Night Bludgeonfest.

>signed an historic agreement that will implement the

CROW: Outlawing of minivans. I hate those things...

>first stage of Palestinian autonomy

MIKE: Are they really autonomous?
TOM: You're foolin' yourself. They're living in a dictatorship, a
      self-per...

>in the Gaza Strip

CROW: Featuring the lovely Hyapatia Lee!
MIKE: How do you know about her?
CROW (uncomfortably): Uh, long story ...

>and the Jericho area
>of the West Bank -- lands occupied by Israel for 27 years.

TOM: Boy, just imagine the crap they must've accumulated in the attic after
      all that time.

>It also set in
>motion steps for Israeli military withdrawal from these lands.

MIKE: This is just a wild guess, but they want the US to pay for it, right?

>
>        The accord signed in Cairo

TOM: Hey, who got the syrup all over our agreement?
MIKE: What the heck were they doing in Illinois, anyway?

>followed an agreement signed by the
>Israelis and Palestinians a few days earlier in Paris.

CROW: Y'know, I could certainly understand going to Chicago for this peace
      agreement, but *Cairo* and *Paris*? Geez, that's like wintering in
      Quincy.

>This agreement set

TOM: Race relations back forty years.

>terms for economic relations which allow Palestinians to open their own

CROW: flies.
MIKE: Crow, ...

>banks, collect taxes, and conduct their own importing and exporting.

MIKE: They can also do all sorts of cool stuff, like making state birds and
      getting bribes and cutbacks from lobbyists representing foreign
      nations.
TOM (looking at header of this post): Uh, you get the feeling that T-Bone
      has been in DC for too long?

>The
>Palestinians, however, will need large-scale outside assistance to help
>make these areas economically viable.

MIKE: Yep, saw this one coming. They want the US to foot the bill, right?

>
>        The overall accord is considered

CROW: Rather silly, and not to be taken seriously. 
TOM: Maybe if they hadn't written it on that _Full House_ stationery from
      K-Mart...

>to be the beginning of a new era
>that will require further agreements during the next five years.

MIKE: Well, at least they agreed to let America, the country that no one
      likes, pay for it and get the blame if it doesn't work. That seems
      fair.
CROW: Mike, I think you'd better quit listening to those Merle Haggard tapes
      that Joel left behind.

>Although
>all parties concur

MIKE: Zima is better as a floor wax than as a unique alcohol beverage. 

>that the road ahead may be perilous,

CROW (British accent): But we should go ahead and face the peril.
TOM (British accent): No no, it's too perilous.
CROW (British accent): Well how about a little bit of peril?
TOM (British accent): Nope, it's unhealthy.
CROW (British accent): Bet you're gay.

>it is hoped that
>the groundwork has been laid

[Crow opens his mouth and turns to Mike, who, without looking, reaches up
 and closes Crow's beak.]

>for a permanent solution to the conflict.
>

TOM: At least until one of the hardliners on either side realizes that their
      power is draining away with peace.

>
>The risk that won't go away
>---------------------------

MIKE: There I was, pinned in Southern Europe, with one last desperate
      chance. I swung my troops north and rolled three sixes.

>
>"As already announced (December 1988)

CROW: Continental Flight 235 to Des Moines is departing gate A4...

>a world stock market crash will
>begin in Japan.

TOM: Well, that makes sense; they *are* the world's leading industrial state
      and their economy boomed all through the late 70s and 80s.
CROW: Yep, that seems like a real safe prediction; Maitreya *really* went
      out on a limb there...

>Maitreya reiterates:  a stock market crash is
>inevitable."  (May 1989)

MIKE: Maitreya, if I've told you once, I've told you once: never reiterate
      or repeat or be redundant. 

>
>"Financial derivatives

CROW: ... are created by Phillips petroleum to help replace the environment.

>are tightening their grip on the world economy.
>And nobody knows how to control them,"

TOM: "Hi, I'm June Allison for Depends [TM]."

>concludes Fortune magazine (USA)
>examining the future of the financial markets, in a long article entitled

MIKE: _America's Markets: the Future Examined_

>'The risk that won't go away'.

CROW: Hi, I'm George Page for _Nature_. The number of lawyers in America is
      growing at a phenomenal rate, and if left unchecked, they well soon
      overpopulate their ecosystems of trendy bars, gourmet ice cream shops,
      Lexus dealerships, brothels, hospital emergency rooms, and your back
      pocket. So please, if you see a lawyer, shoot to kill.

>"Like alligators in a swamp,

TOM: So are the days of our lives.

>derivatives
>lurk in the global economy," says Fortune.  But even worse is

MIKE: The smell. Those derivatives must eat a lot of White Castle sliders.

>the fact
>that "the companies that use them don't understand them."

CROW: Sounds like OSF.

>
>        Derivatives are contracts whose value is derived

TOM: Hence the name.

>from the value of
>some underlying asset,

CROW: Tap pants!
MIKE: Bikini briefs!
TOM: Boxer shorts!

>such as currencies, equities or

MIKE: O J Simpson rookie cards

>commodities; from
>an indicator like interest rates;

TOM: And the interest rate in John_-_Winston's posts is:
ALL: Zero!

>or from a stock market or other index.

CROW: "Naked women look better through index."

>They have been experiencing dramatic growth rates,

MIKE: No more steamy binocly-er jokes, Servo.

>ranging up to 40 per
>cent a year.  Says one 'wallstreeter':

TOM: "I'm rich and I'm a WASP so get the hell outta my way!"

>"These things are metastasizing."

CROW: These things are a bit on the metasta size.
TOM (British accent): Don't worry about the metastas, sir, they'll ride up
      with wear.

>
>        Big commercial banks, major securities firms

MIKE: Big business and industry, working for you while we work against you!
      Our greatest resource? Evil!

>are involved as the
>major dealers of what has become a highly speculative trillion dollar
>market.

CROW: The NFL draft.

>Small businesses, pension funds, municipalities, insurers use
>these derivatives

TOM: And your paranoia

>to hedge some business risks they don't want to bear,

CROW: Da Bears!
MIKE and TOM: Da Bears!
MIKE: Ditka is Gahd!

>such as a jump in interest rates or a fall in 

MIKE: 'Ten-SHUN!
CROW: Fuh-liiiing CRAP!

>the value of a currency.
>The risk is transferred to a dealer

TOM: Okay, the game is seven card stud, Chicago in the rain.

>who may then barter

CROW: Barter? Damn near killed 'er!

>it with other
>dealers.  A whole interconnected chain is thus created.

TOM (British accent): But did it Pho-To-Synthesize?

>
>        According to _Fortune_, if a major dealer defaulted on its
>contracts,

CROW: He'd get wasted by a bunch of Uzi-toting Columbians

>a chain reaction would automatically follow

TOM: As chain reactions often do...

>and create panic on
>a financial market that lives on the expectation of prompt payments.

MIKE: So, a bunch of overpaid pompous Ivy-league weenies, making tons of
      money by moving money from Column A to Column B, get panicky and lose
      their fiscal butts and that is a *bad* thing?

>Derivatives have grown at stunning speed

CROW: Y'all know how fast you were goin'? It stunned mah radar gun.

>into an enormous and pervasive
>financial force.

TOM: Microsoft.

>Yet another bubble is thus being created.

MIKE: Tank yew tank yew ant welkum to de Lawrence Welk Show.

>
>        The 1991 treasury bond scandal revealed that the Salomon Brothers

CROW: were leatherboys with J Edgar Hoover.

>company had more than US$ 600,000 million in derivatives contracts on its
>books.

TOM (housewife voice): Would you boys pick up your room? Look at all the
      trillions in contracts you have just scattered over the bookshelf!

>The Chemical Bank, the world's titular leader,

TOM: Can I make a Dollywood reference?
MIKE: Let it go...

>would be up to US$
>2,5000,000 million.

MIKE: I think someone slipped a digit there.

>Nobody knows how this powerful, interconnected
>business would survive a really severe crisis.

CROW: Government bailout?
MIKE: Layoffs?
TOM: A lawsuit?
CROW: The owners would join the Wall Street Diving team?

>(Source:  Fortune, USA)

TOM: Water: source of all ... oh, never mind.

>
>
>Children's mayor in Italy
>-------------------------

CROW: Oh no! It's Ratliff's Kid's Crew! 
ALL: AIGH!!!

>
>"The attention of governments will increasingly be centred on

MIKE: Higher bribe levels.
TOM: Two turnips?

>the welfare
>of children.

CROW: Of course, they will do nothing about it, but...

>More funds will be found for their nourishment and care.

TOM: These funds, however, will be spent on fact-finding missions to
      Barbados and Switzerland.
CROW: Maybe they should buy lifejackets for Ted Kennedy's dates.

>The voice of children will be heard even in parliaments."

MIKE: You know, I hate parents who just let their kids scream and cry and
      carry on without regard for parliamentary procedure.

>(Jan/Feb 1990)

TOM: Hey, looks like one of the Brady Kids finally got married.

>
>Fourteen-year-old Achille Fiorentini

CROW: What a heel.

>from the Tuscan town of Aulla

TOM (singing):
      Aulla, tell us,
      All other cities are jealous.

CROW: Great, now the author of this MSTing will have to send all money he
      makes from the newsgroups to her heirs.

>has
>become the first junior mayor in Italy.

MIKE: Fourteen and already a junior? Sharp kid.

>Fiorentini has his own office
>within the town hall

TOM: What?! A mayor has his own office in the town hall?! Shocking...

>and together with his 30 town councillors (all
>children, some even younger than 15 years old)

CROW: Like the fourteen year old mayor?

>manages a budget of
>US$60,000 per year.

MIKE: Boy, they must have ALL the Nintendo games...

>The junior councillors have a say in every decision
>taken by adult councillors

TOM: We are NOT going to bed until we watch my Mr. Blobby tape again.

>and also have their own authority and
>responsibility for environmental issues, culture, sport and the
>relationship with UNICEF.

CROW: This relationship is smothering me, UNICEF.
MIKE: Boy, this DOES sound like Ratlif(f)'s Kid's Crew...

>  (Source:  Suddeutsche Zeitung, Germany)

TOM (singing an old Southern Germany song):
      Wish I was in the land of strudel
      Beatin' up Frenchies with a poodle...

>
>
>France cuts defence budget
>--------------------------

CROW: Like it would hurt their military reputation.

>
>"No one will be able to maintain defence as a top priority now."  (June
>1989)

MIKE: Yeah, after the Rockets beat the Knicks, it's pretty clear that you
      have to keep offensive players on the floor.
TOM: Well, the Knicks do have Oakley and Anthony.
MIKE: That's a different type of "offensive".

>
>Since 1991 France has unilaterally put its nuclear programme on the
>back-burner.

TOM: France then went to answer the phone, forgot about the programme, and a
      grease fire engulfed the kitchen.

>In 1992 the long-range Pluton rockets were dismantled.

CROW: ... and melted down to make Jerry Lewis figurines.

>At
>the same time only 30 Hades rockets -- the improved successor to Pluton --
>were produced instead of 120 as orginally planned.

MIKE: Well, the tracking systems on the Hades were giving them a devil of a
      time.

>The building of new
>submarines has been postponed for three years

TOM: There is a shortage of sandwich artists.
CROW: If only the critics would recognize that artform..

>and the 1994 nuclear
>programme budget has been cut back further.

MIKE: They have this great idea to replace nuclear weapons with something 
      called "The Maginot Line".

>(Source:  Le Monde, France)

CROW: Le Monde, Alice, Le Monde!
TOM: Did he even race this year?

>
>
>Environmental honours
>---------------------

MIKE: The nominees for "Best Use of Lies in the Spotted Owl Debate" are: ...

>
>"The environment will become the 'number one' issue throughout the world."

CROW: And fertilizer will be 'number two'.

>(June 1989)

TOM: Can either of you guys think of a June Lockhart joke?
MIKE: Nope.
CROW: Not off the top of my head.

>
>Six awards honouring extraordinary achievement in preserving the Earth's
>environment

CROW: went to Phillips Petroleum. Two awards came for these polymer-and-
      carbon-fiber snaildarters.

>were recently presented in San Francisco.

MIKE: Nice town, Frisco; just don't ask someone to hold your seat.

>The annual Goldman
>Environmental Prize,

TOM: Maitreya predicts that this prize will be given, and for a reason 
      concerning the environment.

>begun five years ago by philanthropists Richard and
>Rhoda Goldman to honour 

CROW: and cherish

>frontline defenders of the environment,

MIKE: Hyello-again-evribody, hIII'm Keith Jacksonnnn. WooooooahNelly, we got
      a big game with two teams with good frontline defenders. The 'hio
      State Buckeyes, and the Cornhuskers of Nebraskaaaaaaa.

>awarded
>$60,000 to each of the six winners

TOM: Along with a new Geo. Sporty, economical, ...

>who represent the globe's inhabited
>continents.

CROW: This anti-Antarctica prejudice really burns me up!

>
>        Award recipients are:

MIKE: At center, a junior from Battle Creek, Michigan, ...

>Laila

TOM (singing): You got me on my knees!

>Kamel of Egypt who

MIKE: walks a mile for them cigarettes

>helps Cairo's poor
>recycle raw garbage into useful products;

CROW: Maybe we could turn her loose on The Home Shopping Network.

>Matthew Coon Come, a Canadian
>Cree chief working to preserve his people's aboriginal hunting grounds;

TOM: For casinos.

>Ildiko

TOM (singing): Talk about Hey now
MIKE & CROW: Hey now
TOM: Hey now
MIKE & CROW: Hey now
TOM Ildiko Ildiko aye yea

>Schucking, a German primatologist whose efforts have reduced her

MIKE: Hips and thighs, thanks to Trim Jeans Theater.

>country's consumption of rainforest products; Andrew Simmons of the
>Caribbean nation of St. Vincent and the Grenadines

TOM (British accent): and his mother won the Derby, and he's thought by many
      to be this year's outstanding twit.

>who rallied protection
>for a forest reserve and launched a youth network

CROW: With the help of Michael Jackson

>to support environmental
>causes throughout that area; Luis Macas, an Andean Quichua Indian

MIKE: ... was traded to the Orioles for Chris Sabo.

>who has
>led protests against

CROW: Ticketmaster.

>multinational oil companies drilling in the Ecuadoran
>rainforest,

TOM: instead of on the parade ground.

>and helped the country's indigenous people secure title to 3
>million acres of their homeland;

MIKE: Now they plan to build strip malls. Sad, really.

>and Tuenjai Deetes of Thailand

CROW: She can really Thai one on!

>who is
>helping her country's tribal villagers substitute sustainable farming for
>drug trafficking.

TOM: Hm, I think the drug dealers may have something to say about it.

>
>        "[These award] recipients illustrate

MIKE: Some can even stay within the lines

>that you do not have to call
>yourself an environmentalist to do great things for the environment", said
>Rhoda Goldman.

CROW: But it doesn't hurt.

>"Helping people improve their lives 

TOM: Hi, I'm Joe Beets.

>can also help to
>preserve our Earth's environment."

CROW: That's why Phillip's Petroleum is...
MIKE: Okay, Crow, that's enough.

>(Source:  San Francisco Chronicle,
>USA)
>
>
>CFC-production almost at an end in Germany
>------------------------------------------

CROW: Film at 11.

>
>The Frankfurt-based pharmaceutical company Hoechst

MIKE: Woah! He coughed up a greenie!

>is the first business
>in the world

TOM: After prostitution.

>to put an end to the production of CFCs.

CROW: No more Rotisserie Gold?
MIKE: No, Crow, that's *K*FC.

>The pharmaceutical
>giant has 40 per cent of the German market

TOM: And 100% of our love.

>and five per cent of the world
>market.  The Hoechst initiative

CROW: Roll that six-sider! (I am so ashamed I know that.)

>leaves only one other CFC producer in
>Germany

MIKE: Unfortunately, it's run by The Mob, ... 

>which plans to end its manufacture of CFCs "within a few weeks".

TOM: The legal definition of "few" being "less than 500".

>From 1995 the production of CFCs in Germany will be illegal.

MIKE: But fun.

>(Source:
>Suddeutsche Zeitung, Germany)
>
>Heavy anti-pollution fines --

CROW: Fine? It's -
ALL: FAB-U-LOOOooooooous!

>German anti-pollution legislation has been made more severe

TOM: You are to be taken from this place and made to watch Mentos
      commercials.

>in an effort
>to combat environmental crime so that any contravention of the ecological
>laws and the smuggling of nuclear material will mean tougher sentences.

MIKE: In John_-_'s case, he'd have to write logical and grammatically
      correct sentences.

>The
>new legislation allows for

CROW: Weight fluctuations, thanks to the elastic waistband.

>a maximum prison sentence of 10 years in
>extreme cases.

TOM: I sentence you to get a pretty-boy haircut and join a bubblegum metal
      band.

>Christian-democrat politician,

MIKE: Hey you got your politics in my religion.
CROW: You got your religion on my politics.
TOM: Two evil things that go worse together.

>Andreas Schmidt, claims that
>Germany now has the toughest environmental protection legislation in the
>world.

CROW: He's full of scheiss, but that is what he claims

>(Source:  Suddeutsche Zeitung, Germany)
>
>
>Environmental network expands
>-----------------------------

MIKE: Maybe they need deal-a-meal.

>
>The UN Development Programme recently announced

TOM: It had photos of Carl Lewis and Greg Lougainis...

>a contribution of $1.5
>million to expand its global information network on the environment.

CROW: Great, as if America On Line and freshmen at Penn State weren't bad
      enough, now all of John_-_'s friends will be flooding the network,
      too.

>The
>information system, called

TOM: Thomas?
MIKE (Groucho voice): No, Edgar.

>the Sustainable Development Network (SDN),
>links sources and users of information on sustainable development in
>government, research, academic, media, and non-governmental organizations.

TOM: Why, that is the most brilliant idea in networking I've ever heard! I
      wonder why no one has ever thought of this before...

>It was set up in 1989 to promote

CROW: The original WOMAD tour.

>the UN Conference on the Environment and
>Development, the Earth Summit, which took place in Rio de Janeiro in 1992.

MIKE: Of course, it happened during Carnaval, so not much got done...

>
>        SDN now operates in six countries and one sub-region:

TOM: "Sub-region"!? Oh, yes!
MIKE: Down, boy.

>Angola,
>Bolivia, Honduras, Nicaragua, Pakistan, the Philippines and the South
>Pacific,

CROW: Which happens to include the Philippines,

>allowing access to information and appropriate technologies that
>facilitate

MIKE: Try not to hate, the animal we ate, the earth's own weight, ...

>preservation and protection of the countries' environments.

TOM: We're shellacking the rainforest with this acrylic polymer.

>The additional funds are to be used to

CROW: Hire more middle management.

>introduce SDN to at least 20 new
>countries by the end of 1994, with greater emphasis on the African region.

TOM: Another region!
MIKE: Servo, ...

>(Source:  IPS)
>
>
>Plan to save Lake Chad
>----------------------

MIKE: Hi, welcome to TGIFriday's. I'm Chad Lake, I'll be your server.

>
>In a recent West African summit,

TOM: I think Mount Kilimanjaro is the most recent.

>five African nations appealed to

CROW: Base instincts.

>the
>international community to help protect Lake Chad from environmental
>destruction.

MIKE (singing): Destruction truction, what's your function?

>
>        Lake Chad borders

TOM: the sublime

>Nigeria, the Niger Republic, Chad, and Cameroon,

CROW: Those nuts.
TOM (whispering): No, Crow, that's "macaroons".

>and is the largest body of fresh water

[Slap sound]

MIKE (female voice): Fresh!

>for these countries.  Over the last
>20 years,

TOM: Music and fashions have come full circle.

>the annual fish catch from the lake has dropped from 140,000
>tons to less than 70,000 tons,

CROW (Lloyd bridges voice): By this time, their gills are aching for air.

>and most of the wildlife has disappeared.

MIKE: Attention all cars, attention all cars. Be on the lookout for wildlife
      which disappeared from Lake Chad. They are reported to be armed and 
      delicious.

>According to regional officials,

TOM: Ve vere in Austria dyuring ze var...

>if efforts to save the lake are delayed,
>this body of water's pivotal role

CROW: I'd prefer a danish.

>in reducing the adverse effect of the
>encroachment of the Sahara Desert will be lost.

MIKE: Personal foul, defense, encroachment, ...

>
>        A communique

TOM: French for "memo"

>issued after the summit said a plan involving $US 85
>million had been created to save the lake.

CROW: Billy Graham was mobilized.
MIKE: I am here in the name of Go-duh to save-veh your lay-keh, brothers and
      sisters!

>Summit participants directed

TOM: But they really want to produce.

>the newly created Lake Chad Commission to work

CROW: But like most governmental commissions, it now exists just to exist.

>with the African
>Development Bank and the relevant UN agencies to see that the plan is
>enacted.

MIKE: Oh no! It's Plan 9 from Outer Africa! Ed Wood is heading the
      commission!

>(Source:  IPS)
>
>Part 2.

TOM (singing): Tonight we're gonna part 2 like it's 1999...
    (speaking): We gotta go.

[They begin to leave.]

>
>JW  Seems like they have a few things to say.

CROW: Take a lesson, John_-_...

>John Winston.

[You'll know it's revolution, 'cause there won't be no commercials. When the
 revolution comes.]

Go back to John's MST3K Page.